Relationships

Hmm... All this time I've been wondering and thinking about why I always feel lonely even though I have friends and family, but I've never really come to a definite answer. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I can trust people when they say or show that they love and care about me? Maybe it's also because I don't trust myself when I think I love and care about others as well? Maybe it's because I don't really believe in the fact that it's possible for relationships to last? Maybe it's because I feel like everyone will leave me eventually and thus I create this additional layer (separating me from everyone) to all the millions of layers that are there already? I feel sad but also protected by my subconscious self in a way. I'm so scared of being hurt by people leaving, so in my head they either already left a long time ago, or they had never even entered the relationship from the start. I even sometimes feel lonely when I'm actually spending time with people cus it's as if my mind wants to distance itself from the present time... and I feel lonelier the more I love and care about someone. (Idk. Hard to explain. I bet nothing made sense.) Whenever I manage to enjoy someone else's company in the present time and we say bye for the day, I make myself feel like crap. First comes the self-critic, secondly the negative judgements, thirdly the self-loath and fourthly the mean bitch who slowly erases my worth.

I feel like this was some sort of new insight for me even though it probably should've been obvious a long time ago. It doesn't make what I've written before this invalid though, because I feel like it could be a combination of this and everything I've talked about in those earlier posts related to the same matter.

I was lying in bed while thinking about this and I had to write it out. It makes things easier to process >< If you've read this far, thank you for reading. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. Goodnight ;u;

No Title

*negative post*

Ok.. so uhm hi.

I kind of want to unlink this blog from my other social media because I feel sorry for people have to read all the negative shit I put out x)

Anyways, I'm not feeling too well. I've been crying a lot. And whenever I feel like shit I just want to delete everything and everyone and just be by myself. I know it's because I haven't really been taking care of myself. I usually do feel the way I feel now but not as strongly because I've been able to push it away to the back of my mind for me to be able to enjoy other stuff. I guess lately I've been feeling too weak to be able to do that because obviously I haven't slept well nor have I eaten enough food. It's also winter time. Every tiny little thing makes me feel worthless and bothersome. I regret all the things I do in relation to others because I don't feel like I have the right to do any of those things. For example, when I talk to people I feel like I shouldn't have because "oh no I've talked too much" even if I've only said one or two sentences. Every tiniest little change of facial expression makes me worried because to me even facial expressions that should be considered "neutral" seem negative to me. "They think I'm weird, they hate me" blablabla. Even if they smile, when I look at their eyes, I feel like they could be smiling because they feel awkward/weird. I look at their eyes, mouth courners, and I interpret their body language in a way that is self-destructive if that makes sense? I always overanalyze and I constantly feel anxious. At times I'm even close to tears depending on how they respond to me. In my opinion, I'm overly sensitive. I've been told I'm such a cry baby so many times in primary. I agree, I am a cry baby and it's annoying to hang out with me. If I don't get along with someone and we have a mini arguement my heart rate goes crazy, blood rushes to my head, my speech pattern messes up and my eyes start tearing up. I hate this part about myself but I guess the one thing I can appreciate is the fact that I feel like I can understand why people overreact to different things (like overthinking, "over-worrying" and crying over things). I hate myself for being so overly sensitive but I would never judge/hate/dislike someone else for being "overly sensitive", if it was someone else I wouldn't even call it being "overly" sensitive. My logic is flawless isn't it? :^)

This is one of those moments where I wish to erase my existence from the world and at the same time I also wish I could have someone to hug me, understand me and tell me everything will be okay... but then again I don't know if I really trust that people care for me as they say they do. I always have my suspicions telling me that everything is lies and that I'm bothersome and hated as I believe I am. And as weird as it sounds, it feels good to cry because I've always tried to keep the tears and my emotions in check whenever I encounter "normal everyday life unpleasant experiences" such as someone telling you to move out of their way, someone asking you "what the hell are you looking at?", people making a face of disbelief towards you, disagreements etc. I'm thinking those emotions didn't really get the chance to be processed. I've always wanted to cry but I always tried so hard to keep it in. Especially when someone else is with me or if I were to be in public. And even if I do burst out crying, even then I would try to quiet it down. So basically, whenever I'm by myself it feels good to just let it loose and be like "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" (in a silent way). A bit nasty but does anyone else cry through their nose more than their eyes as well? Whenever I cry my snot always gets way ahead of my tears :') ... I should sleep.

is this even a necessary post? I'll post it anyway.