Relationships

Hmm... All this time I've been wondering and thinking about why I always feel lonely even though I have friends and family, but I've never really come to a definite answer. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I can trust people when they say or show that they love and care about me? Maybe it's also because I don't trust myself when I think I love and care about others as well? Maybe it's because I don't really believe in the fact that it's possible for relationships to last? Maybe it's because I feel like everyone will leave me eventually and thus I create this additional layer (separating me from everyone) to all the millions of layers that are there already? I feel sad but also protected by my subconscious self in a way. I'm so scared of being hurt by people leaving, so in my head they either already left a long time ago, or they had never even entered the relationship from the start. I even sometimes feel lonely when I'm actually spending time with people cus it's as if my mind wants to distance itself from the present time... and I feel lonelier the more I love and care about someone. (Idk. Hard to explain. I bet nothing made sense.) Whenever I manage to enjoy someone else's company in the present time and we say bye for the day, I make myself feel like crap. First comes the self-critic, secondly the negative judgements, thirdly the self-loath and fourthly the mean bitch who slowly erases my worth.

I feel like this was some sort of new insight for me even though it probably should've been obvious a long time ago. It doesn't make what I've written before this invalid though, because I feel like it could be a combination of this and everything I've talked about in those earlier posts related to the same matter.

I was lying in bed while thinking about this and I had to write it out. It makes things easier to process >< If you've read this far, thank you for reading. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. Goodnight ;u;