Hi there! I hope you still remember me. I am sooo sorry for not having blogged for over a year when I originally said I was only going to be gone for a month. I came back today to see that I had comments left waiting for me to reply to. I replied to them recently but nothing showed up as a reply to the comments! I'm literally freaking out right now. I hope the comments got sent anyway.. or else I probably just have to live with this guilt forever Dx I didn't plan this really ;___;;
Things suddenly became quite tough for me ever since that trip and ever since the school start. I can't really remember that much about what happened during the trip to Thailand, I just remember that there were places I wanted to visit but I couldn't because my mother didn't want to. She promised me a lot but never kept them >< A few funny stuffs happened too, which I will write about when I have more time to do so!
First off, I'm going to write about all the sad and depressing stuff that made me lose all the motivation to do anything... so brace yourself. I seriously wanted to write a blog post last year before I went all bleeeeeeeeeh but I couldn't bring myself to because I was just so depressed. But anyways.. here I am ;__;;
I had really high hopes for upper secondary. I had so many ideas of what to do and imagined loads of positive scenarios in which I would get friends who would be my friends for a lifetime. THEY WERE SO SILLY, BUT THEY FELT SO REAL... They gave me so much hope but when the reality struck me I was so helpless. Gosh. But if I could go back in time I probably would've failed just as bad.
When school started I went to class, and as I expected the class consisted of mostly guys since I chose the technology program. The school I decided to attend is called Polhem. There were only 2 other girls there too and they totally ignored me (or at least it felt like that). I was all by myself. One of my ex classmates were there too though, so I kind of felt a bit of relief to see a familiar face. I tried my best to talk to them but no one really wanted to look my way. I just wished I was a guy back then because it was so easy for guys to make "friends". My ex classmate was just like me. He was quiet, shy and didn't know how to make friends. He was alone the first 2 days too. But the third day one of the guys called him over because he seemed lonely, and just as simple as that, he joined them. They hung out in a group so he didn't really need to talk because there were no awkwardness whatsoever, since they're guys. (Now that I think back on it, I bet there was a lot of awkwardness but I was just too busy worrying about myself that I thought everything went perfect for others. After having met AAA a while ago, I realized maybe it's a bit harder for guys to get real close friends whom they can talk to about deep serious shit, if you know what I mean. This post is actually updated. Just thought I'd add some kind of "reaction" now that I have a tad more of a social experience)
I wanted that too. But no one called me over. No one attempted to even talk to me. Things got depressing and I felt lonely. The interest I used to feel for the subjects started to drop because no one wanted to work with me when we had to work in pairs. It felt like everyone hated me. They would avoid sitting beside me if it was possible. I just wanted to get out of there. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Was it because I unintentionally gave off "oh no i don't want to be friends" aura and pushed them away or was I just simply too much of a loser for them? No idea man, no idea. Every single day I was on the verge of tears. Everytime something small happened I was just soooo ready to cry. I felt so vulnerable and lost. (I remember being paranoid thinking everyone was laughing at me whenever something fun happened. I remember thinking everything was revolving around me. Now I realize it was pretty stupid of me since it just made me more vulnerable and less confident)
When I had enough of it I decided to go to the school counselor to ask for help. She helped me to change programs to nature sciences instead since that was what I wanted. There were no "seats" left in Polhem though, so she said I had to change schools if I wanted to change as quick as possible. She told me I could come back when they had an "empty seat" for me which could take about a month, and I said yes. I just agreed with everything since I so badly wanted to escape from that class. So I started to attend a private school called Humanus in a new program, nature sciences. The principal was so rude there .__. And nowwww I have to tell you a story about what happened to her:
I was waiting for her in front of her office since she was busy, and then suddenly some 20 year old dude, who actually was a student there, comes knocking at her door and starts calling her sweetheart. She was smiling through the whole thing. I thought they were close pals but nonono. At the end of their conversation she was like "and one more thing.... *wide smile* Don't EVER call me sweetheart again". I just burst out laughing in my mind xD. Ok, I'm sorry, onto the real story...
I got a really kindhearted friend there, Roza is her name. The school wasn't that great though since almost all the teachers were rude and the P.E- and the lunch places were so far away from the actual school. It usually took us so long that we always arrived late for class... But yeah, I tried to comfort myself by thinking it would only be temporary.
On a Thursday night I got a call from my previous school (Polhem). They said they had an empty seat for me and asked me if I was willing to accept it. I said yes, signed some papers and stuff and apparently Humanus' principal had to sign on the papers too. But she was all "Nah, it's not really important for me to do that. They'll let you in anyway" so I was like "okay, great then" and I went to my previous school (Polhem) and gave the papers to that principal instead, thinking everything was cleared up. But NO. She got irritated at me and said I needed the papers signed by the principal from Humanus too. So yeah, guess what? I had to cycle back and forth like three times. Because Humanus' principal was ill and there was some misunderstandings and blablabla. It couldn't be helped I guess, but it was so exhausting. and I felt like a nuisance for not being able to do anything correctly which... sent me to the verge of tears again...... Thank God it was fixed in the end though... (I remember feeling really lost, I was so scared)
When I came to my 3rd new class, Na1a, the one I'm currently in (well, not anymore since I transferred again, they're in their third and last year now so they're Na3a atm), I had high hopes too. But reality made it all poo ish again -_____- But I'll write about what happened, when I came to this class, next time which will probably be next friday... cus it's getting really late Dx I'm still jetlagged from my previous trip ><
...so yeahh... Goodnight! and I'm sorry again :'((((
PS. The pictures from the last two trips will be posted when I've managed to transfer all the pictures to the same USB memory stick. I don't know how long that will take though, since I don't even have the USB memory stick that I'm gonna transfer them to ><
1 comment:
Hey girl-! Missed ya & welcome back to the blogosphere! (^___^)
I'm so sorry to hear what happened with school.. I feel like I connect with you on so many of the situations you talk about because personally, I'm socially challenged.
This post reminds me of a really similar experience I went though when I took a typography class in college. I went to class, the majority of it was made up of guys, and it seemed like everyone else was friendly with each other while I was one of the only people left out. I just didn't know how to connect with them and I felt so insecure. I tried to be nonchalant and act like one of those 'cool' social recluses but I didn't feel that way inside. Combined with struggling to figure out the graphic design programs, being judged for projects by everyone in the class (where I felt like they hated me), and feeling un-preferred by the instructor.... it was hard.
I also felt like I wanted to cry almost every day because I felt so insecure and didn't want to be there. There was this one girl who was kind enough to be friendly with me but every time we got into groups, she ended up pairing with this one guy she sat next to and preferred to hang out with him during class. Not that I could really blame her since I wasn't all that talkative and at the time, I was socially awkward and didn't like to get too close to people I just met. So I would always, always dread days where we needed a partner or get into groups. I eventually quit graphic design as a major altogether and dropped this one class I had with her. That girl had asked me why I quit and I was just too ashamed to talk about it; at that time, I was on the verge of tears because it really had to do with my ultra insecurity toward that field of work and just not feeling happy in any of the graphic design/art classes I took.
I think that was the only time in my life that I had a true mental breakdown. I just couldn't stop crying on the bus ride home. But, life goes on and I got over it. I'm now pursuing a profession where I feel much more confident in my abilities and along with that, I feel like I connect and get along a lot better with my peers.
I think this all revolves around self confidence (how happy your are as a person) and mentally telling yourself, "SCREW IT! I don't care if you like me or not, as long as I'm happy with what I'm doing." Sometimes, we aren't the most charismatic or seemingly friendly person in the room so we need to compensate and put a bit more effort into socializing. That's me I'm describing. That means, always smiling at them, greeting them, attempting to talk with them, inquiring about how they're doing, following up on hanging out.. Just showing true interest. I know, socializing is such a chore! x)
Even the most grumpy and unapproachable person will end up getting used to you and maybe even liking you. There was this old dude at work who I thought hated me because he'd always reply, "yeah" when I said hello or tried to greet him. Eventually I got annoyed and stopped saying hello and guess what? He started greeting me and actually being friendly! :/
I'm really happy for you that you took a proactive approach and got out of there. If I could get my money back and drop all those graphic design classes from the beginning, I would have. Because it would have saved me so much mental suffering. I did learn a valuable lesson from it all but man, I felt so sad all the time. Maybe if I was more confident in my graphic design abilities...
Btw, were you confident with yourself in that class in terms of what you were studying? Or were you happy with what you were learning? I always wonder about if I was more confident in my abilities for that class, maybe I wouldn't have felt so lonely and insecure with my peers. But anyway, don't give up! We're all different and sometimes, we just don't click with certain types of people. And that's okay.
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