Regrets

There aren't many things I regret doing but there are a lot of things I regret I hadn't done during my first year of high school. Apart from the greetings, there was also one tiny thing that made me feel relieved and not entirely alone.

In this class there was this one guy who would always be by himself. He never talked to anyone unless we were put in groups and he had to. I actually met him before I even began in this class. I saw him once when I was still taking the technology sciences courses. Back then, I had chosen Japanese as an extra class. He was going to be in the same Japanese class as me since I saw him sitting in front of the classroom when I was waiting for class to start. He had glasses, short brown hair (I think) and IDK, I was just curious about him. He sat with his head down and played with his backpack straps. It reminded me a lot of myself whenever I refrained to pick up my phone to decrease awkwardness. I wanted to get to know him better since I was curious as to what he was like when he hung out with his friends. He seemed a lot like the quiet type (Sorry for judging). Unfortunately, that day, all the language classes were cancelled... so we went there without cause. I didn't get to know his name and I was sad because I thought I was never going to. Fortunately when I began in a new class, changed courses etc, I ended up in the same class as him! I was relieved because I saw a familiar face and I was happy that I got to meet him again. I would always sit behind him in class. I wanted to start talking to him but it was really difficult because he was always busy reading news papers and books and I didn't want to bother him. I had been wanting to sit beside him in class too, and not just behind him, but I never managed to because I was just that much of a coward ^^

Whenever we waited for class, he would always sit alone. I feel like a bad person now but I was actually relieved that I wasn't the only one who was alone... so I would always go and sit with him. (warning; creeper). I always imagined how our conversations would be but I never ever ever managed to actually make those conversations with him. What made me happy was that whenever we had to work in pairs, I always ended up with him because no one else really wanted to be with any of us. I actually got to talk to him! I enjoyed it a lot. Sometimes there would be awkward moments but I would just laugh it off and then he would laugh with me. One thing that surprised me was that he could talk, talk and talk forever about subjects he felt passionate about. He was actually the one making the discussions flow. He just kept talking and talking, and then he apologised for talking too much too xD I would always say it was fine and that I enjoy listening to him, so he would go on and on and on. Of course, he gave me a couple of times to say my own opinions too, but then I would ask him a question and then he would start talking endlessely again. I was so happy when we had our discussions because he seemed to enjoy them too. I was happy that I got to see a side of him that no one else probably knew of. He smiled!!! and laughed!! with me! >< Mind you, he rarely did that. He even suggested me to watch two movies xD

My favorite moment with him was during Swedish class when we had to work in pairs to translate and summarize The Myth of Narcissus. Since it was the last class of the day, we were the only ones left in the classroom since everyone else wanted to go home once class ended. We weren't finished with our work yet so we decided to stay. The teacher was like "You two are such hardworking students! You can stay here as long as you like. I'll be in my office, so if you need help with anything just knock on my door. Don't forget to close the doors once you're done" *walks away* So yeah, we were left alone. It was just the two of us. When we had to come up with synonyms and stuff, he would croon and do a bit of drumming with his fingers on the table xD It was so cute akdjdgfuhdjs. Whenever I came with suggestions he would always say "Oh! yeah, yeah :o I never thought of that. That's genius!" and then he would say I was smart even though that's not true at all, and he would also say that he wouldn't have been able to do the work as well if we hadn't worked together. Omg, he made me smile so much. I told him that wasn't true at all and that he was smart as well, but he was like "no....... xD you're the one coming up with the great ideas I never even thought of". So I said ".... no, I think you're smart too ok." so it ended like that X3 and.. once we were done, which was around 4-5pm, I tried to small talk a bit with him, asking him if he took japanese classes (even though I already knew he took them *cough* I know, I know.....). He said yessss and then I asked him a few questions about his interests, where he lived and such.. and when we were done packing we kinda went back and forth being all awkward, asking each other which way we were going to take, saying it was okay not to walk the same way. But then I made up my mind and took the same way he took, but then we had to separate once we got out of the building. >< We said bye to each other and then I smiled, inside, all the way back home.

I always wondered where he went whenever we had lunch. I always wondered if he even had lunch.. I always worried about him whenever he didn't show up. Did he get sick? Is he doing alright? And the most common questions I asked myself was "Doesn't he feel lonely sometimes? Does he have any close friends he can be himself with? Does he want to be alone or does he have similar problems as me regarding the social aspects? Would it be annoying if I tried to befriend him? Would it be okay if I started talking to him a bit more, and not just during the times we had to work in pairs? Would it be okay to ask him if we could be friends? Would it be okay to sit beside him in class? Or would I be intruding his personal space if I did that?". To be honest, I really wanted to be the first one he decided to open himself up to. I wanted to be the first one he showed his true self to. I didn't want anyone else to take that opportunity away from me. I secretly wished for him to be alone until I had the guts to make friends with him. I felt like a really bad person for being sad whenever he was put with someone else during those "working in pairs moments". I hated myself for being sad whenever it seemed like he was having fun when he was talking to someone else. I would always find myself looking at him during class. alksjghfudidifhugf, I don't know why. I was just so curious about him. I wanted to know more. I would get upset whenever someone said bad things about him or laugh at him.

Whenever the teacher said something important to us that needed to be conveyed to the other students, they would convey it in our fb group. I noticed he wasn't in the group, and I feared no one else would tell him anything about it. So I started to write messages to him through the webpage, for school purposes, to inform him about stuff. >< He never replied to them so I felt like a bother.. but then he would act normal when we were put to work together so.. idk :I

I would dream about him sometimes, and in those dreams I was able to talk to him loads and loads. He talked to me a lot too.. we were always really close friends in those dreams. I would even go to his house to visit him and stuff. kasfjghfudjkf, it was so heartbreaking whenever I woke up >:I

When we took our first class photo together, he wasn't there. The photographer asked if everyone had showed up and they said yes. I was so sad that no one said "xxxx isn't here. Let's wait for him". But I guess they made the right choice to just take the class photo without him... since he never showed up...

One day I realised he stopped coming to school. I wondered what had happened to him. I was worried about him because....he just disappeared for weeks. It was towards the end of the second semester of the first high school year so I started wondering if he was even going to come back. I feared he had changed courses/school but then I set that thought aside. 

When my second year of high school began, we got the news that he had changed both courses and school. I got so devastated. He's gone now and I'm never going to be able to see him anymore. I regret that I never managed to befriend him. I regret that I only sat beside him whenever we were waiting for class to start, but never actually talked to him. I regret that I never took the chance to sit beside him in class. I regret that I never asked him the things I wanted to ask. I regret that I was never able to make him feel like he mattered... because to me he mattered a lot. Just like the small greetings from my sister and her friends, he could brighten up my days as well.