Hihi!
I'm back and it's time to tell you about what happened when came to the third "new class" (the one I'm in now).
Well, I got my hopes really really high just to get them crushed AGAIN. On my first day of school I got introduced in English class by a very very cute teacher (I still have him as my English teacher). He's not cute in the way that you get all "omgomg, cute ♥_♥", he was just cute because he was so nice and old. I think old and nice people are cuties ok. Anyways, so everyone in class said hi to me so I thought "Ooh, all of them said hi to me! This is a good start isn't it?" so I tried to say hi back in a loud voice. I have no idea if I succeeded or failed... but I'd like to think I succeeded. I looked around to see if there were any empty seats beside one of them, just to socialise and get to know one of them more, and there was one empty seat beside a guy who seemed kinda "macho". He had his feet on the table right next to him or something, so I hesitated. Then there were two girls who sat in front of him. They were nice and all, told me I could sit in front of them and then they asked me loads of questions and tried to make a conversation. It went pretty well for being a "beginner's conversation". It was a bit awkward but I was fine with it since they actually seemed interested in where I was from etc, etc. Well.... thinking back at it now, I'm not sure if they were actually interested in those things for real, or were just asking questions for the sake of it 0.0 ....
Anyways, you know how it is when you've recently joined a new class don't you? When there are nice people who have approached you, you choose to follow those people around wherever they go because you feel safe around them since you've spoken to them once. So yeah, I wanted to follow those two around because otherwise I'd feel lost. BUT FOR SOME REASON THEY JUST WALKED SO FAST AND DISAPPEARED. So I followed the storm instead and got questions from the new classmates like "what's your name?", "where are you from?" and I answered and asked back. It felt so good to be interesting enough for them to ask XD ... so there were a few people who were in like.. a large group and they actually invited me to join them. They were 7, including the two girls that talked to me during English class, so I joined them (and I'm still with them till this day). I didn't join them premanently at the time though since I was still confused as to who I should hang out with and where I belonged. At that time I kinda went back and forth, and joined different classmates just to see where I felt "at home" the most. It felt so confusing. It felt as if I was in a maze because I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere, especially with my "social problems". So I ended up alone for a while.
One day I was so afraid of going to eat lunch by myself so I went to that "7 group" and asked one of the girls if I could join them for lunch that day. She was so nice and said "of course! :o You didn't have to ask... just join us ^^". She was so kind hearted and I felt so happy and relieved that I wanted to cry Dx askjfhuygudk, so I joined them permanently. Followed them around everywhere, listened to their conversations rather than joining them myself... I felt like a nuisance. I was honestly just there to follow them around. I didn't feel like I was a part of the group. I felt left out... even though I was CLEARLY the one who chose not to speak my mind and let my fear get the best of me. I know I had no right to feel that way at all and that I still don't. But I did feel that way and I still am.
Some people might not understand this fear of speaking up and I guess I don't blame themm because I honestly don't know what I'm afraid of. I mean... what's the worst thing that could happen if I spoke????? I feel like I'm being afraid for no reason. My heart rate speeds up rapidly whenever I open my mouth to say even the smallest things... like "hi". My chest tightens, it's hard for me to breathe and I start to sweat at the back of my neck.
During that first year in that new class, I tried really really hard to talk to them. Believe me, I did. But despite all the tries I still haven't gotten that far till this ...-
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OMFG I NEARLY JUST DIED. WHAT.. THE.......
............ I had this "cough drop" in my mouth... and I was listening to music so I couldn't help but to sing along.... SUDDENLY I COULDN'T BREATHE ANYMORE BECAUSE THE COUGH DROP FELL INTO MY WINDPIPE. omfg, I tried to calm down and push the cough drop out with the tiny amount of air I managed to collect at the top of my lungs and akjsfhusjkals. I was like "uhh, uhh". It didn't work at first so I was almost about to give up and throw myself on the floor to let myself pass out. "It's no use... just give in already" I thought for myself. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE. BUT THEN SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAID TO PUSH HARDER, SO I DID. I KEPT FIGHTING TILL IT FINALLY JUMPED OUT OF MY THROAT. AKJSFHGFUJSK, THAT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE I'VE EVER HAD.
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-...day. It's already been a year but I still feels like I haven't made any progress at all >:(
There's so much more I want to write about.. but I really have to study for the chemistry exams right now. We're having the exams tomorrow and I haven't studied at all. I'm a bad child. I feel like that near-death-experience was a sign for me to stop writing and get on with my studies................... TT^TT I didn't go to school today partly because I felt a bit ill >< but also... because we weren't going to have any productive classes anyway so I thought I'd rather stay at home and study than to be at school and do nothing because of my lack of concentration, come home really late and get stressed out and anxious because I only have a few hours left to study... Does that make any sense at all? :/ ... I'll continue on my story next time! :'I
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