Hi again!
I'm not quite sure if there still are any readers left out there but I'm here to give you a little bit of a more detailed update about what has been going on etc. Brace yourself because this is going to be a long post since I'll basically be taking up after what I left in the "update on the meeting" post. I'll try to keep it short and simple as possible. But first.... I really can't believe my last posts about all the depressing stuff was in 2014. A lot of things has changed and I honestly still can't believe it.
I'm not quite sure if there still are any readers left out there but I'm here to give you a little bit of a more detailed update about what has been going on etc. Brace yourself because this is going to be a long post since I'll basically be taking up after what I left in the "update on the meeting" post. I'll try to keep it short and simple as possible. But first.... I really can't believe my last posts about all the depressing stuff was in 2014. A lot of things has changed and I honestly still can't believe it.
I really don't know where to start because everything is such a huge mess in my head right now. It's kind of hard to organize the thoughts and tell the events in a chronological order.. but anyways.. so.. a week after having posted "update on the meeting" I actually got to meet the doctor again because I was feeling so depressed to the point where I really didn't know if I could trust myself anymore. I had so strong feelings about wanting to take action in making myself disappear, if that makes sense. The doctor got really worried about me and kind of forced me to get my mother to attend the meeting as well. It was such a hard time for both me and my mother because it came as a shock to her. She still couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't in a good state at all and she kept begging me to go home with her even though the doctor said we couldn't leave since she wanted me to get acute help for my suicidal thoughts. My mother and I got thrown into a situation where we had to go to another city for a more "professional" help because the doctor had sent them a referral. The doctor called a taxi and we cried so much on our way there. I remember the car ride being really uncomfortable because we were so confused as to where we were going and my mother wouldn't stop asking me about it either.
Once we got there, my mother called my dad and my sister and told them they had to come as well, so they did. Once we were there all 4 of us, we got called into a room with another doctor who had to check up with me and see if I was fine etc.. and as usual, it was a really sensitively uncomfortable moment. My mother managed to convince me to go back home even though the doctor said it would be better for me to stay since she didn't trust I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself. Once we got home, they bothered me with a bunch of questions again. I got called to talk to one of the doctors in our city once again and he established I'd be hospitalized and be put on medication. Long story short, I was hospitalized for a week and started taking medication. During the time I was hospitalized, I wasn't allowed to bring my phone with me, no charger, no nothing that could be used to hurt myself or anyone else with. The hygiene stuff was locked up even, and there were no mirrors in order to prevent stuff happening. I could only use my phone when I was out taking a walk with my parents, in which I had to do everyday because they said "it's good for you to go out on a walk", and I guess that's true. But going out on a walk with my parents was a torture because they would always be talking about stuff that I wasn't comfortable with (I prefer not to mention anything about that until I'm ready because it's a very sensitive topic for me). I kept my contact with the "Line guy", if you remember him (the one who attended the same class but whom I was chatting with online instead of talking to him irl because I'm socially awkward), and we talked about a bunch of stuff like how I was feeling and what was going on at school during the time I was away. Apparently, a girl in our group of friends wanted to visit me. It was really sweet of her but I wasn't really ready for any visits and we didn't know each other that well either. Line guy told me it was ok because he told her it might not have been a good idea, which I'm very thankful for.
Sorry I went a bit off track there, but during the time I was hospitalized, there was this person whom I would have to talk to from time to time to update her about my current mood etc. We talked about the situation at school, about how I was feeling lonely, about the picture I had of myself, about the things I wanted to do... about how I actually wanted to start attending the aesthetic program in the beginning but felt the need to please my parents and choose nature sciences instead... and we came to the conclusion that maybe it would've eased my situation if I could transfer to another school, start over and attend the aesthetic program instead. Now mind you, I had been studying for almost 2 years which made me really unsure if I really should start all over again and attend the aesthetic program, AND risk the outcome to be the same as it was during the time (having a hard time fitting in and making friends). On top of that, I had come so far as to getting to talk to Line guy and just to lose him like that made me so scared. I'd either lose him or stay and risk our friendship not going anywhere.. because we had such a hard time getting closer and talking to each other irl. I talked to him about this and he told me he was sad if I left but at the same time he didn't want to stop me from possibly being able to make friends at the new school. The choice was so hard to make, but at the end I chose to take the risk and transfer. I had to wait till the whole year was over though because it would be a better idea for me to start attending the aesthetic program if it was actually a fresh start and not just join them later (if that makes sense), cus if I joined them later, it would've been hard for me to be a part of the class once again.
After having been put on medication and gotten out of this "hospital", the doctor decided it would be better for me if I stayed home for the rest of the semester cus there were only a few weeks left of it and I wasn't feeling well enough to go back to school at all. When the next semester started, we decided I'd only be attending the English and maths classes because too many classes would drag me down. After a while, I couldn't get through the maths classes either even though the teacher was the sweetest and tried his best to help me and stuff... I felt (and I still feel) so bad about it because I never really told him I was going to transfer to an aesthetic program at another school. And since maths 3C isn't mandatory for the aesthetic program he could've just not helped me... he found out about it during one of our meetings where we talk about school subjects and stuff, and I could tell he was really surprised. He was like "oh.. really? I didn't know" and my heart sank because he was so determined to get me to pass :( but I was too much of a scaredy cat to tell him I wasn't going to stay for much longer... He still wanted to help me though but towards the end he said it would be better for my well being if we just dropped the maths 3C classes. So at this moment, I only attended the English classes. This was a huge disadvantage for me regarding the Line guy because the less I was at school, the less we got to interact with each other, and we just drifted further apart.
I honestly miss him. I remember when we would draw on paper, having challenges of saving and killing characters during Swedish classes. We'd just communicate through actions instead of talking. It was such a unique friendship tbh. I still had a bit of contact with him when I had transferred, but not as much as I used to... I did meet him over a week ago at a café and he pulled out his polaroid camera to take a selfie with me ;___;; He was so sweet.
Thank you so much if you've read this far <3 I'll update you on a bunch of other stuff when I have the time again ^^ and I also want to say that I've actually started uploading YouTube videos now but I don't know if I dare to share them on here ;__;; Let me know if you're curious about it >__< I'm gonna go to bed noww, goodnight ! annd, I'm also sorry if my grammar is messed up ;-; byebye ~
