Is it really love

Hi,
I just needed to get something off of my chest again. It probably sounds really cringy but... is it really love if you try to force someone to think, feel or do things that you want them to do because that's the only way you deem is the correct way to live life? Is it really love if you shame someone for doing harmless things that you just happen to not agree with? Is it really love if you trap someone for your own benifit? I don't know if I can believe that it is, especially if all the underlying reasons for your "wishes" are actually for yourself, but you disguise your selfish reasons as something that is for the sake of the people you supposedly love. Isn't love supposed to be selfless? Shouldn't you set the people you love free? Shouldn't your wish be for them to be happy? Isn't that what's supposed to matter the most, as long as they're good people? And just so you know, people tend to want to escape if they feel trapped. So if you asked me why they left you after all the time you've spent together, and possibly why they decided to cut off all ties with you, I would've said that this was your own doing. I don't care if I sound cruel, and I don't care how, when or where you grew up. And honestly, what frustrates me the most is that even if I try my hardest to explain to you the reason why, you still wouldn't understand. Actually, you may understand it the first time but the more we have these conversations, the harder you try to justify your actions and the less you actually see the problems for what they are. In the end, you put the blame on them and nothing is your fault.

My Face Dictionary and Thoughts About Being "Expressive"

A random thought. But hmm.. maybe not so random actually? I just thought of how I'm a lot more expressive when it comes to typing than talking, because in text I tend to use a lot of faces to express different feelings or reactions such as:

xD     x'D     XD     x)     X3         (for laughing or finding something funny/amusing)

:^)     ;^)     :^D     ;);););)     :-)     :)     :^(     (for being creepy or weird/odd, I might also add a tear in there if I want to)

:'D     :')     c':     (for cry laughing out of discomfort or sadness)

:3     :D     (for being happy or friendly)

c:     ^^     ^-^     (for being friendly)

;__;     ;~;     ;A;     ;u;     ;n;     T_T     T^T     (for expressing a cry either because of sadness or happiness)

:(     :c     (for being sad)

>//<     ;//;     (for being embarrassed or for blushing)

*-*     *_*     (for admiring something/someone, sparkly eyes)

*Q*     (for drooling out of excitement or longing)

@_@     0.0     0_0     <_>     (for being confused)

-__-     =_=;     (for being irritated or "I can't believe this..." or "wtf" but same thing)

><     or     >_<     (for being embarrassed or wanting to express concern or empathy, or pain idk)

:/     :T     (either empathy or not being happy with something)

:'T     '^'     ;^;     (not happy with something/ pouting)

<_<     ("wtf" or "uhm okay")

>w<     (happy/excited)

^^;     (excusing myself/embarrassed/insecure)

The only emoji I ever use without feeling the "constraint" of having to adapt is the crying emoji with tears streaming down its face.

....obviously I don't use all of them because there are a lot of people who don't know the "face language" xD I used to use them all in different crazy combinations when I was younger. but then at one point I came to realisation how many there were who didn't understand what the hell I was typing so I stopped and started to adapt to people instead. I always check the other person's typing language and then I kind of pick up how they express themselves and try to "mimick" their language with a twist of my own expressions (if that makes sense). If people use emojis, I use them as well even though I hate them so much because they're so.... idk ugly ? :c I prefer using faces to express and I'm not gonna lie, I wish people knew them even though I know that's not going to be possible :') and I also know that not all people enjoy them or find them appropriate. Some even think they're childish. AH, I keep going off track, sorry.

BACK TO MY POINT: I feel like I'm a lot more expressive through text with "facial expressions". In real life I feel like a poker faced person when I'm with friends I'm the most comfortable with. I found myself to forcefully make facial expressions such as smiling, concerned, shocked, happy, excited etc when I'm with people I don't feel too comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, I do make some facial expressions here and there when I'm with friends whom I'm the most comfortable with but it depends on the occasion... or maybe I'm just less aware of it idk. My facial expressions are mostly subtle I think? I feel like I have to "wear" more "visible" facial expressions with less close friends/acquaintances to be seen as a relatively friendly and expressive person because it feels like they would find you less weird if you do. Maybe I'm just overthinking now... I do find myself being expressionless very often when I'm with close friends/family though. Maybe a lot of people are feeling the same way? Isn't it normal to like... exaggerate things when you're with someone you don't know too well? to make yourself seem more interesting? idk.

What made me think of this is my conversations with people on the internet. I feel like I seem more interesting on the internet than I actually am in real life. In real life I just feel like an expressionless person, at least in comparison to my internet persona. Not saying my typing isn't genuine, but more like I don't know how to express myself through my face in real life, possibly because of how I used to be judged whenever I expressed happiness in a "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY" way etc.

When I was in London with one of my closest friends, we were walking on the side walk and she asked me "how are you feeling?" because she was kind of a bit concerned if I was feeling down or something since I barely expressed anything. I told her "I'm actually happy. I'm just enjoying the moment right now. I'm sorry if I don't show it that well" and she said it was okay x) That moment actually made me think of this subject as well as back when I was younger, I met up with this very old friend whom I hadn't seen for so long although we had messaged each other back and forth a lot. When we met up for the first time in a while, she kept asking me if I was bored and if I was okay. On top of that I was kind of a bit quiet. Idk, that's just how I enjoy things. I look bored/sad on the outside but I'm feeling joy and peaceful on the inside. This has made me quite worried tbh. I keep getting worried people will find me boring to hang out with. All these years I had a hard time admitting that I do care so much about what other people think of me. It was only just recently I admitted to it. Yes, I want people to like me. I want people to find me fun to be with and I want people to want to spend time with me. I don't like exaggerating expressions cus it makes me feel fake but I can't help but to do it. Once again though; It's not that I don't feel those emotions within me, it's just that the expressions for them don't come naturally for me because I'm not used to actually expressing them.

I guess this is also where I should take a look back at my friend's boyfriend in my last post (click to read it here). I said his straight face seemed intimidating to me because whenever I tried to smile/laugh to ease things up, he still kept his straight face. Typing all of this, I now realise I should've thought about it a bit more and given him a break. Who am I to judge? although I kinda do tend to get easily intimidated by people regardless of how they are :')) even if they were to be expressive, I would've analyzed every facial expression and probably projected my own insecurities or hatred towards myself onto them, and then felt like shit. I know people don't tend to get drawn towards people who lack confidence. "People love people who love themselves". That statement is something that has been bugging me for a while because it makes me regret sharing things. Something someone said made me realise I don't want to be "known" as the person who hates themselves. Like... "oh that's the person who hates themselves". I felt like I wasn't really a person with personality, only a person who hates themselves and nothing more than that. It made me scared of how people perceived me as by the things they saw me portray. Another thing that scared me was how I was scared people would get sick of me. I'm always negative so what if people think "ugh, it's her again with her negative shit"?

I'm usually very transparent on the internet when it comes to my lack of self-confidence, my problems and fear of socialization, but only because I want to be able to connect with people or let them connect with me. I want people who go through the same things to feel like they're not alone and I want to feel less lonely myself. I also tend to process my feelings/things easier when I actually get them out of my head, either via talking to someone or via text. It makes me realise things that I wouldn't have realised otherwise, and it makes it easier for me to come into terms with things or accept/forgive.

Emptiness and Loneliness

I keep feeling empty and lonely despite having family and friends. I keep longing for something to make me feel whole. I told one of my closest friends about it this past Saturday and she said "You might not realize it now, but it's possible that it's actually yourself that you're yearning for". I slowly nodded my head as I pondered. She could be right even if I don't see it myself. I'm guessing when you've come to a point where you feel safe and comfortable within yourself, you wouldn't be feeling so empty but rather content with life as it is.

... I continued the pondering and proceeded to tell her "When it comes to loneliness, maybe I'm feeling lonely because I don't feel like anyone actually sees me, who I am and what I'm actually like?" Whenever I meet a person I can't really be myself fully. I know it's the same for probably a lot of people but I don't know... I don't have any problems sharing my problems or any other personal deep stories, so it's not like I have troubles sharing. I can share however much I want; it doesn't matter how deep the stories go. It's just that everything that comes out of my mouth just feels like mere words and sentences. Even if they are very personal, it's not really like I actually open up the emotional doors to my inner space. It feels like everyone is standing outside of these doors and that a lot of them aren't aware of it themselves; They think they've been let in when in reality I still haven't allowed them to enter. It feels like I'm closer with people than they are with me (but then again, maybe it's the same for them as it is with me? that I might be thinking that I'm getting closer to their inner space when I'm actually quite far away from it?). It doesn't matter how much I want to be able to open myself up in the emotional and deeper sense because I don't know how to. The only way I can think of is sharing all sorts of personal stories but everything just feels empty, like there is no weight to it. It's as if I'm just sharing information and nothing more than that. I wish people could actually see me; How I'm like, how I move, how I react to things, how I speak, how I joke, everything about me when I'm comfortable. Not saying that I want people to be attentive to me but more like I wish people could see me and not the person I subconsciously portray. As it is now with social interactions, I always limit myself. It's like I'm following these subconscious guidelines or rules as to how I should act around people. In all honesty, not even my family knows me, but this is due to another reason.

Adults Gossiping

It might seem as if I'm in a happy place right now and that everything is totally fine. But there are so many factors making me feel like shit. Most of the people surrounding me are so filled with negativity towards people they don't even know. Adults acting like teens/children, going around spreading rumors, gossiping about people, even the ones who are so much younger than them AND THEY'RE ENJOYING IT. Aren't they supposed to be adults? Aren't they supposed to act like one? I'm wondering if this is a usual thing? Is it normal to act this way?????? I mean, I knew from the start they were shady people but I still get as surprised every time I hear about them acting that way. I honestly DON'T UNDERSTAND how people can act that way at all? Especially adults. Yes, they're people too, but can't they at least keep their mouth shut if there's something they don't like about a person(children/teens/other adults or w/e) than walking around gossiping?????

HONESTLY, I've lost faith. I have trust issues because of this behavior of these people. Them acting friendly when they see you in person but as soon as you turn your back, they start badmouthing you just because you chose to take a path they don't agree with, and mind you, that path doesn't hurt anyone, yet they go around talking a bunch of crap about you and giving you shit for it. I am so utterly sick and tired of these people. UGH. 

I was so frustrated earlier and talked to Agnes about it. I tried so hard to hold my tears in, my throat started to tense up and my heart was pounding like crazy making me feel like it was about to rip out of my chest. Dramatic, I know but it hurt so much knowing there are those kinds of people out there. These things doesn't only happen to me, my sister gets a lot of shit as well and this is hurting me the most. She's been through so much and she's been standing up for herself even though they keep pushing her down. For this reason, I admire her. Me, on the other hand, don't stand up for myself because I can't. I wish I could be as strong as her, but instead I handle everything in silence.

I can't help but suspecting every acquaintance I walk by, thinking there might be a chance of them being fake with us to later spread negative shit about us. When it comes to me, just choosing my own path to study art is a reason enough for them to shit talk me. For deciding to attend high school 2 years over again for this reason; they call me stupid. And honestly, that is one of the smallest reasons. Other things they've badmouthed me about is my blue hair, my piercings... basically the way I look. Just because I don't look ideal to them, they decide it's ok to treat me that way. Other things are a bit more personal but NONE of these things HAVE ANYTHING to do with them. These things do NOT affect them in ANY way, yet they decide to trash talk me. Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't they leave US alone? There are so many more young people who are going through this kind of treatment as well in this so called circle of "adult friends". And yes, there are parents talking shit about their own kids as well, parents telling their own kids they're ugly everyday because they don't have the same fashion sense as the parents etc etc. Why can't they mind their own business?

Now I know you might think "cut those people off", but trust me, it's not that easy because they involve themselves with our family members. It's not that easy to get rid of them and since it's my sister's wedding soon, some of those people are invited. I used to care so much about what other people thought of me because I didn't want the people close to me (not gonna be more specific about who) feeling ashamed of me, but now I don't care anymore because in the end, they're all in this trash-talking together anyway. And I guess it's come to that point because they want other people to know they actually didn't have anything to do with what I decided to do with my life? Idk. But it's ok cause it's understandable.

I'm sorry this was another rant.

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