This whole situation about school hasn't gotten better since I've changed courses and school. I still feel really lonely, hopeless and worthless. Despite having a group of classmates to follow around, I feel excluded. I guess I should be happy that I'm at least not entirely alone. But I don't know... it just still feels like I'm non-existent and that I'm always the last choice. It makes me feel invisible and non-important. If I have to be honest, I would probably prefer to be alone for real, eat lunch alone and all that. Because now that I'm following this group of classmates around, I'm there but I'm still not there, if you know what I mean? I have the opportunity to get to know them better but nothing I do is right, and it makes me feel so shitty about myself. I don't even think I deserve to follow them around. I don't think I deserve to eat lunch with them or anything at all.. and I feel so sorry for the one who has to stick with me when the other ones of this group are busy doing something else, if that makes any sense at all.
Last year when I first began in this new class, I only was with this group when it was lunch time. In other cases I would mostly be by myself because I kinda stopped trying. I felt like they were better off without me. Everything would've been perfect if only I wasn't there. That's what I thought, and what I still think. I would keep my distance most of the time and just... I don't know... try not to bother them if it wasn't necessary.
I don't know when this was, but after a few weeks or a couple of months or so, the school nurse requested to see each one of us individually to check our health or something... When I arrived at her room/office, I sat down in front of her and she gave me a paper I had to fill in. I did that and then she started asking me questions such as which school I went to in primary etc. The reports she got from my primary school's school nurse said that I was sad the last time I went to see her... so... this current school nurse started coming with a bunch of depressing questions I felt forced to answer... so I started crying... but yeah, I had to tell her about how I was feeling.. because...I don't know... her eyes kinda pierced through me. It felt so uncomfortable I just wanted to get it over with and get out of there. But no, it didn't end like that. She wanted to see me a couple of more times because apparently she was worried about me and had assumptions about me having depression. One of her questions revolved around suicide, and yes, I've thought about suicide a couple of times before. But I didn't really plan anything, I just fantasized about it. After having talked to the school nurse about all that stuff she had to check my weight, and since my weight was really light, she started assuming I had aneroxia. She asked me if I ate anything at all etc etc etc. I said I didn't really eat that much since I haven't had any appetite.. so she asked me why. I repeated "because I haven't had any appetite." She asked me why, again. So I said it was because whenever I ate something, it felt like I was going to throw up since I just didn't have any appetite. So she made the assumption that I make myself throw up >:( I got so upset because she just kept assuming things all the time. It was as if she was trying to diagnose me with something. It felt really really uncomfortable. And then she wanted me to meet a doctor to take blood tests and have my height checked. And then... she wanted to contact my parents and let them know about my situation and all that. It was seriously the worst moment of my life.
When my parents found out, my mom would come knocking on my door, forcing me to talk to her about it and when I didn't, she would start crying while repeatedly saying "There's no one else who is as good to you as I am. There's no one in this world who cares about you more than I do. So why did you have to tell others about this? Why didn't you come to me? Am I not good enough of a mother to you? Why do you have to feel that way? There are many others who have it worse than you. You shouldn't be feeling that way. God gave you life and you should be thankful for it. You have a family who loves you, friends who love you, you're surrounded with people who loves you, so why are you feeling lonely? You have a great life with food, money and a place to stay. You have God. You shouldn't be feeling that way. Is it my fault? What did I do wrong?" And I would just sit at the door preventing her to come in. After a few more knocks from my mom, my dad would tell her to go elsewhere and knock on my door himself, asking me to open it for him. I would just ignore it completely.. and then he would say "Why are you doing this? You made your mother cry. Can't you just come out of your room and have a talk with her?" When I didn't reply he would go away and then come back again after a few minutes and do the same thing over and over again. My mom would just sit in the living room crying loudly and blame my dad for not having teached me properly about various of things. When they couldn't get me to talk to them, they would go to my sister and ask her to talk to me. She would tell them to leave me alone and let me go and talk to them myself when I felt like I was ready. I was really thankful to her for telling them that. But then that would always trigger a fight between her and my mother. My mother would blame my father and my sister for making me turn against her.
After a few days of all that, my sister came into my room and asked me if I wanted to talk to her. I said no, so she said I could come and talk to her whenever, and then she went away. But... then she came back again. Asking me to talk to her, telling me that she understands the way I feel since she'd been in the same situation as me. I didn't reply so she said "I always tell you everything.. so why can't you do the same? Aren't we sisters..?" and started to cry. I thought she was faking it so I ignored her a bit longer... but then I noticed it was real. So I started crying too, but I didn't say anything. So she came and sat on my bed and started telling me about things that she's been through during the days she studied in Thailand, to make me open myself up to her. It made me cry even more, and when she was done she asked me what was wrong and that I could tell her the things I was ready to tell. I started telling her about school and about the lonely feeling I had, but I never told her about my suicidal thoughts since it wasn't that bad yet. I wouldn't tell her about it even if it was bad because it's just... akjdhfygudhsj.
After a few more "drama days", thankfully, my mom calmed herself down. The school nurse wanted me to go to an organisation called BUP to seek help regarding my situation, but I couldn't go there by myself since I wasn't 18 yet. My parents had to come along. When we met the person we were going to talk to, she asked me various of questions about school and about my situation at home. My parents would come up with things as "we usually sit together in the living room watching movies, laughing together and stuff" as if we were a happy go lucky family. When I said "I don't know. I usually sit in my room" they laughed. So I'm like "ok." Once we got out of there, my parents had the same thing said to me. That I shouldn't be feeling the way I felt. That there was no reason for me to be sad. They also convinced me to stop contacting this organisation because they didn't want me go around telling people I barely knew, about anything at all. They wanted it to be kept at home. They said things shouldn't be leaked to people who aren't involved.
When I went to see the school nurse again, I told her I stopped contacting BUP because it felt so uncomfortable to be there which was part of the reason. So.. she said I could go see the school counselor if I wanted to. My sister told me the same. She actually thought it would be better for me to see the school counselor than to go to BUP because she'd been seeing the school counselor herself and it really helped her. So yeah.. I went to see the school counselor two times during the second semester of my first year. I don't know what happened after that. I just felt like it was all too complicated. If only I hadn't talked to the school nurse, things wouldn't be so difficult. I would've just been able to go on with life like I'd always been. I gave up on seeking help because it just made things so much worse. Everytime I cycled to school I would consider cycling out on the road and let myself get hit by a car because I so badly wanted to escape school and everything else. I never did it though because I was too much of a chicken. I'd start thinking of how disappointed my parents would be. I'd think of the consequences of the driver and all the fines my parents would probably have to pay because I recklessely cycled out on the road and damaged someone else's car, even though the lights were red. I don't know, I just don't want to cause other people misfortune. But if I was put in the situation that a car would drive in fast speed, when I happen to be on the road, I wouldn't really bother trying to get away. It would be fine if I got hit by it. It would be fine if I died. I wouldn't really care. Because it's not like anyone would be bothered by it anyway. I just hated school so much that I wished I would get into accidents so that I wouldn't have to go. Everyday I would feel the need to escape but I always tried to keep my calm and just go to school and let it go as it goes.
The only thing that would make my days was when my sister or her friend would poke me, while I was sitting by myself, and say hi and talk to me for a few seconds/minutes. Sometimes they would even do that when I was sitting with the others during lunch. It just made me really happy to know that they would always be there to cheer me up. I don't think they know how much that meant to me. But anyways. One day I noticed I stopped seeing my sister's friend around. I never saw her when we had lunch anymore. I stopped bumping into her. She just never showed up again, no pokes, no hugs, nothing. She disappeared. I sent her a message on snapchat asking her where she had disappeared to and why I never saw her around anymore, and I told her I missed her. She replied that she quit school because she had fallen into depression and was diagnosed with the obsessive compulsive disorder. I was shocked and sad that someone so great as her would have to suffer from all that. After having talked to her for a few times, I knew she was in a similar situation as me. I felt so hopeless because I didn't know what to do to make her feel at least a tiny bit better. From then on, I messaged her as often as I could, in hope of cheering her up. One day she told me that she was happy I was there to talk to when she didn't have anyone else. She told me she had lost a lot of friends because of the situation she was in and because she stopped using social medias. She said it was weird that I was willing to talk to her even though we weren't really that close (since she wasn't really my friend, but my sister's friend). She thanked me for having sticked up with her despite her being, what she calls it, 'annoying'. alkughheijdkfghfhisjk. Lastly, she said that she wanted to meet up with me and my sister once she starts to feel better enough to hang out ;___;;
Now that she wasn't at school anymore, I felt a tad bit sadder. But I still had my sister there and her other friend who would talk to me and wave to me as well. Though, all of that was gone once I began my second year of high school, since they graduated.
When all those little greetings were gone, I didn't have anything to look forward to anymore. I felt so sad I would sit in the classroom and almost cry when the teacher was going through some important stuff. My thoughts would be elsewhere even though my hand kept taking notes. I couldn't concentrate on the lectures, I was so busy trying to get my tears in check. When I wasn't able to do that, I would look down at my paper to prevent anyone from seeing how ready I was to cry, and when the lectures were over I would go to the bathroom and cry my heart out. I always brought my phone with me too, in case I needed to talk to someone. I sent a message to my sister once, during those "crying in the bathroom moments" and told her about how sad I felt. And how I couldn't stop the negative thoughts flowing in my head. She told me to contact the school counselor, but I couldn't do that since it was in the middle of class. I couldn't get out of the bathroom because I had loads of snot and tears on my face. I looked so ugly and you could clearly see I had cried even though I wiped it away with tissues. So I sat there in the bathroom with all those tears and snot for almost about half an hour before I felt like I was done with crying. I don't know if anyone else noticed I had cried, but I hope not. But anyways.. it was that day I decided to get in contact with the school counselor again, so I sent her a message saying I really needed to talk to her.
When I went to see the school counselor, I told her about how I couldn't eat because I had this uneasy feeling in my chest 99% of the time that made me feel like throwing up whenever I forced myself to eat. I told her about all my negative thoughts, about how lonely and worthless I felt, about how I haven't been able to study or do any homework at all because of my lack of concentration. She said she feared I might've fallen into depression but didn't want to assume anything because it could just be a temporary sad feeling as well. I was thankful for that, because I really didn't think nor want to feel like I've fallen into depression. I told her two exams were coming up but I hadn't studied for them at all. She said she could send my "teacher in charge" a message about my situation, and asked me if it was okay for her to do so. So I said she could, and she sent him the message. I felt a bit relieved, as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest. But I also felt like a bad person for making use of my situation to escape everything that I didn't want to face. I felt so guilty for having said it was okay for her to tell "the teacher in charge" about my situation.
When I met the "teacher in charge" the next day, he said he needed to talk to me so I stayed in the classroom when class ended and everyone else went to the next class. He volunteered to help me get on track again... I felt like I was a bad person for using him when I accepted his help. After that, we would have a meeting with just the two of us going through maths and physics to catch up, almost every Monday. I felt so guilty for taking away his time. I felt like I've been wasting so much of his efforts to help me because I still do really bad on the exams. Despite the help I've gotten, I still haven't gotten better at handling my studies. I'm disappointed in myself.
Somewhere in between all these events, in my second year of high school (this semester), I collected all the courage I had left to poke this one guy, who was in that group I was following around, and asked him if I could add him on snapchat. During that first year of high school, I've kinda been keeping my eye on him, trying to come up with with ways to talk to him etc. I know it's abnormal but I just wanted to talk to someone who seemed to have the same interests as me... ever since seeing Chopper from One Piece hanging on his backpack, I started feeling the need to get to know him but he was always out of reach. I wanted to be his friend. When I poked him, I felt so nervous I wanted to cry, but then he happily let me use his iPod to add me on his snapchat. I was so happy I managed to do it so... once I sat in the classroom while everyone else went out to take a break, I decided to take a picture of my eraser and send it to him with snapchat. But just as I was about to send it, I hesitated. What if he's going to think I'm annoying? So I sent the same snap I was going to send him to a bunch of other people too, to prevent myself from being sad if he didn't reply. Because it's not an important snap anyways, since it wasn't just for him. He took a screenshot of it. I was happy but I also doubted myself that I'd seen it correctly. Did he really just take a screenshot of my snap or did I imagine it myself?!? And then... he replied. With a snap he'd been scribbling happy faces on. I don't know if he knows, but it really made my day. One day during lunch, he didn't show up. One of the girls asked what happened to him and they wondered if he was sad or something.. since he didn't have lunch with us. And since me and him hadn't really talked to each other that much, I didn't know what to do.. so I just sent him two "funny" pictures on snapchat in hope of making him laugh.. if he happened to be in a 'down mood' I hoped to cheer him up. He opened them but he didn't reply... so I didn't know what to think. It wasn't really something you had to reply to, but if it was me I would at least say "hahaha" or something ;__;; It felt as if I had bothered him with so many unnecessary shit.. but when I was waiting for class, he walked past me and said hi >< After that I kinda tried to write him a message on snapchat and then I also tried to talk to him in person. I was really nervous so I didn't really talk as much as I would like to. The next day we didn't talk to each other at all. We just said hi and that was it. We were like mere acquaintances in real life, whilst in our chat we would talk as if we had known each other forever and were like best friends. I don't know if I was the only one who felt that way though. I was scared he didn't see me as his friend when I did. There were many times when I just felt like I wanted to give up on everything and everyone. Withdraw and just disappear. Sometimes when I waited for him although everyone else had gone, I felt like a nuisance.. because maybe.. he just didn't want to be left alone with me? I remember that time really clearly, when I waited for him after our maths exams.. I thought I had the opportunity to talk to him on our way to next class but he just walked really fast and I was left alone again. At first I tried to catch up, but it was kinda obvious he wanted to get away from me so I stopped walking in that fast pace and slowed down. I wanted to ask him why he did that, in our chat, but I didn't want to be a bother so I left it be. I didn't contact him at all after that, but then he sent me a message as if everything was normal and that 'him walking away from me' never happened. So I just played along with it I guess. And now we kinda talk a lot, as usual.
After a couple of more meetings with the school counselor, mostly on Tuesdays, she wanted me to contact another organisation that was a "short time contact" in contrast to BUP because she was worried about me having depression but not doing anything about it. So... I contacted that organisation and got into a few meetings with someone whom I had to tell all about my situation once again. It felt so uncomfortable because she just kept staring at me and went quiet when I was done talking. And everytime it went quiet, it was like that for a looooooong time. I would always avert my gaze and try to keep my mind occupied so that I wouldn't worry too much about the uncomfortable silence. When we had met a couple of times, I had to fill in some papers about my mental, physical health and about my sleep. It was like a "depression test" I think.. cus I got a really high score which made her, just like the school counselor and the school nurse, think I had depression. So she wanted me to meet a doctor within the organisation, and I did. We talked about how I felt again, and I started to cry again. (Apparently the doctor is one of my classmates' mother. It didn't make me feel uncomfortable though because then she would know about our school situation without me even telling her anything about it). Since my parents don't even know anything about how I feel (they just think it was temporary), she wanted to meet my mom to explain about the stuff I was going through. She suggested me to take anti-depressants. I'm against medical treatments and I'm strongly against letting my mom know about this again... but I told her I'd think about it. I don't even know what to do anymore. Why did I even agree to seek help again? Everything just became so complicated AGAIN. I was going to meet the same girl I met the first day I came in contact with the organisation a few days later (it was on Thursday last week). I told her I didn't want to bring my mom into this again, so she said I had as an assignment to talk about it with my sister instead, so that there would be at least someone there to know I'm taking anti-depressants, if I decide to take them, and keep an eye on me. The anti-depressants have side-effects that could cause you to feel worse than you're already feeling in the beginning of the intakes, the suicidal thoughts could be worse. She wanted me to talk to my sister about it before our next meeting which is tomorrow. I haven't even talked to her about it yet. I don't know how to. I don't know how to bring it up again.. because she thinks it's a temporary thing just like my parents. I don't even know if I'll be able to talk to her about it before the end of this day.
Even though I feel like I'm non-existent whenever I'm at school.. I still felt at least a tiny bit more alive when I had him to talk to on Line. I'm not gonna lie, if he wasn't there for me to talk to, everything would've been worse. I mean... when I felt like no one would really care if I disappeared, he would always message me asking me where I am. He even worried about me when I skipped lunch to study. Sometimes it felt like he cared, but sometimes something in my mind just told me maybe he didn't really care and just put up a front? I don't know. Something is just really terribly wrong with me. I feel so bad for thinking that way now that I got over 200 messages from him after what happened yesterday. (will talk about it towards the end of this post)
After a bit more than half a year, my sister's friend wanted to meet up with me and my sister, so we did. That was a couple of weeks back. I kinda felt a bit uncomfortable just like I always do when I'm around anyone really, but she understood. My sister had to go home after a few hours though... so my sister's friend wanted at least me to stay. She didn't pressure me into it though, and she kept repeating it was fine if I felt uncomfortable and didn't want to stay with her. I did feel uncomfortable but I really wanted to stay. So I decided to go against my fear and stay with her when my sister went home. It was really difficult at first but as time went on, I started to open myself up to her and I felt a bit more comfortable. When we went to her house, we started playing games and... now that I met her again yesterday, she told me that she felt like I was the one who started the conversations when we played Little Big Planet together the first time. She said she really wanted to be my friend and that she was happy when I decided to stay with her even though my sister went home. She knew I felt uncomfortable but she noticed I gradually changed. She also apologised for having been pushy and stuff xD but I don't think she was. I was glad she wanted to hang out with me even though I'm so kjshdygufdush. Yesterday, we were at hers and played Mario. We were going to watch anime together too but something went wrong with the laptop so... we went out instead, sat on a bench and had some deeeeeep talk while it gradually started to get dark. It felt so nice. I told her everything and she told me everything. Even though we had just hung out two times it felt as if we'd known each other for a long time. Back in primary, we were only "waving buddies" but now we're real real friends. I'm glad I stayed with her that day, because if I didn't, I would probably never open myself up to anyone. We talked in the dark and it made everything so much easier because we couldn't really see each other that clear, and I could cry all I want without her actually seeing. She's the first one to know about everything in detail, and I'm really thankful to her for understanding and that she was willing to listen.
When I came home after all that, I wanted to show my mom a chicken that my other friend showed me when I went to surprise her for her birthday. It ended up with a fight. I don't know if it was because I was still in an emotional state after the deep talk I had with my/sister's friend and overreacted or if it was just.... I don't know :( I was creating the chicken with a towel and my mom sat in front of me and looked at me like she always does. And when she observes me like that, then that means she's trying to find some flaws in my face. Seriously, I'm not even kidding. Just as I feared, she started bringing up the flaws she saw in me etc. So of course I got mad. There I was, trying to show her something I thought was funny, but she was just busy looking for my flaws. So I walked away from her because I didn't want to have a fight, but she kept coming after me and complained about stuff I did, didn't do, should and shouldn't do etc. I told her "Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop, just stop ok? I don't want to hear it anymore. You've talked about it numerous of times, I'm tired of it." and she replied with "I just want to help you". So I said "Don't you realise how much you've hurt me with your words? You always compare me to my sister. You always tell me to be more like her. Aren't you happy with who I am already? Why do you always have to compare us two?". (((I.. just hate being compared to anyone really. That's why I sometimes hate being in Thailand, because that's where people compare us the most. I would always have days where I would cry 83575940 hours in secrecy))) So yeah, it ended with me saying that, running to my room and pushing the door handle so that she wouldn't be able to come in. And just like that time when they found out my feelings, my mom knocked on my door 3856795 times and kept saying "you never understand me" etc etc. and then she starts crying loudly, and then my dad comes and tell her to go elsewhere and knocks on my door himself etc etc. I never went out of my room after that, so I got a chair and left it at the door so that the door handle wouldn't be able to be pushed down. And then I started listening to music to shut the noise out and just... cried.
The 'Line guy' messaged me saying he wanted me to watch anime with him. I told him I had a fight with my mom and that I couldn't really watch with him at the time, but he kept wanting me to watch it, saying the only thing he cared about was me watching it with him. So yeah.. I got really sad that he said that. But then I thought.. "at least he's being honest". And then after 20 mins or so he asked me what I was doing. I said I was listening to music and crying. I was being so emotional and what not. I regretted right after that I even told him I was crying. I only had 3% left of my battery so.. that's what I told him. And then I wanted to ask him if he even considered me as his friend and if he even cared about me at all. But I couldn't bring myself to do so because oh God, that would just be really really really annoying of me. We barely even talk in real life so what did I even expect???? Right before my phone was about to die I said I had so many questions to ask him. He told me to ask but I didn't do it because my phone died. So yeah, I just left it like that since my charger was outside of the room and I didn't want to go get it in fear of bumping into my parents. And then I just laid there on my bed and fell asleep crying. The next day, I woke up and just sfkjghfuid.............. I felt like I had to get everything off my chest at that moment so I got my laptop and started to write this post. Yup, I spent the entire day today crying and writing this post. I have no idea why writing all of this took so long.
When I was halfway through my post, I decided to charge my phone and got over 200 messages from him. He said so many sweet things, apologised a hundred of times and opened himself up to me about a few things. I cried so much. I don't know what to say to him right now.. but I hoped if I showed him the link to this post or something, he would get to know the things that I've been wanting to tell him every time he's been asking me where I disappear to... It's probably too much? Maybe he'll think I'm coming on to strong? Yeah, this is definitely too much.
Update: I sent him the link.
