A random thought. But hmm.. maybe not so random actually? I just thought of how I'm a lot more expressive when it comes to typing than talking, because in text I tend to use a lot of faces to express different feelings or reactions such as:
xD x'D XD x) X3 (for laughing or finding something funny/amusing)
:^) ;^) :^D ;);););) :-) :) :^( (for being creepy or weird/odd, I might also add a tear in there if I want to)
:'D :') c': (for cry laughing out of discomfort or sadness)
:3 :D (for being happy or friendly)
c: ^^ ^-^ (for being friendly)
;__; ;~; ;A; ;u; ;n; T_T T^T (for expressing a cry either because of sadness or happiness)
:( :c (for being sad)
>//< ;//; (for being embarrassed or for blushing)
*-* *_* (for admiring something/someone, sparkly eyes)
*Q* (for drooling out of excitement or longing)
@_@ 0.0 0_0 <_> (for being confused)
-__- =_=; (for being irritated or "I can't believe this..." or "wtf" but same thing)
>< or >_< (for being embarrassed or wanting to express concern or empathy, or pain idk)
:/ :T (either empathy or not being happy with something)
:'T '^' ;^; (not happy with something/ pouting)
<_< ("wtf" or "uhm okay")
>w< (happy/excited)
^^; (excusing myself/embarrassed/insecure)
The only emoji I ever use without feeling the "constraint" of having to adapt is the crying emoji with tears streaming down its face.
....obviously I don't use all of them because there are a lot of people who don't know the "face language" xD I used to use them all in different crazy combinations when I was younger. but then at one point I came to realisation how many there were who didn't understand what the hell I was typing so I stopped and started to adapt to people instead. I always check the other person's typing language and then I kind of pick up how they express themselves and try to "mimick" their language with a twist of my own expressions (if that makes sense). If people use emojis, I use them as well even though I hate them so much because they're so.... idk ugly ? :c I prefer using faces to express and I'm not gonna lie, I wish people knew them even though I know that's not going to be possible :') and I also know that not all people enjoy them or find them appropriate. Some even think they're childish. AH, I keep going off track, sorry.
BACK TO MY POINT: I feel like I'm a lot more expressive through text with "facial expressions". In real life I feel like a poker faced person when I'm with friends I'm the most comfortable with. I found myself to forcefully make facial expressions such as smiling, concerned, shocked, happy, excited etc when I'm with people I don't feel too comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, I do make some facial expressions here and there when I'm with friends whom I'm the most comfortable with but it depends on the occasion... or maybe I'm just less aware of it idk. My facial expressions are mostly subtle I think? I feel like I have to "wear" more "visible" facial expressions with less close friends/acquaintances to be seen as a relatively friendly and expressive person because it feels like they would find you less weird if you do. Maybe I'm just overthinking now... I do find myself being expressionless very often when I'm with close friends/family though. Maybe a lot of people are feeling the same way? Isn't it normal to like... exaggerate things when you're with someone you don't know too well? to make yourself seem more interesting? idk.
What made me think of this is my conversations with people on the internet. I feel like I seem more interesting on the internet than I actually am in real life. In real life I just feel like an expressionless person, at least in comparison to my internet persona. Not saying my typing isn't genuine, but more like I don't know how to express myself through my face in real life, possibly because of how I used to be judged whenever I expressed happiness in a "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY" way etc.
When I was in London with one of my closest friends, we were walking on the side walk and she asked me "how are you feeling?" because she was kind of a bit concerned if I was feeling down or something since I barely expressed anything. I told her "I'm actually happy. I'm just enjoying the moment right now. I'm sorry if I don't show it that well" and she said it was okay x) That moment actually made me think of this subject as well as back when I was younger, I met up with this very old friend whom I hadn't seen for so long although we had messaged each other back and forth a lot. When we met up for the first time in a while, she kept asking me if I was bored and if I was okay. On top of that I was kind of a bit quiet. Idk, that's just how I enjoy things. I look bored/sad on the outside but I'm feeling joy and peaceful on the inside. This has made me quite worried tbh. I keep getting worried people will find me boring to hang out with. All these years I had a hard time admitting that I do care so much about what other people think of me. It was only just recently I admitted to it. Yes, I want people to like me. I want people to find me fun to be with and I want people to want to spend time with me. I don't like exaggerating expressions cus it makes me feel fake but I can't help but to do it. Once again though; It's not that I don't feel those emotions within me, it's just that the expressions for them don't come naturally for me because I'm not used to actually expressing them.
I guess this is also where I should take a look back at my friend's boyfriend in my last post (click to read it here). I said his straight face seemed intimidating to me because whenever I tried to smile/laugh to ease things up, he still kept his straight face. Typing all of this, I now realise I should've thought about it a bit more and given him a break. Who am I to judge? although I kinda do tend to get easily intimidated by people regardless of how they are :')) even if they were to be expressive, I would've analyzed every facial expression and probably projected my own insecurities or hatred towards myself onto them, and then felt like shit. I know people don't tend to get drawn towards people who lack confidence. "People love people who love themselves". That statement is something that has been bugging me for a while because it makes me regret sharing things. Something someone said made me realise I don't want to be "known" as the person who hates themselves. Like... "oh that's the person who hates themselves". I felt like I wasn't really a person with personality, only a person who hates themselves and nothing more than that. It made me scared of how people perceived me as by the things they saw me portray. Another thing that scared me was how I was scared people would get sick of me. I'm always negative so what if people think "ugh, it's her again with her negative shit"?
I'm usually very transparent on the internet when it comes to my lack of self-confidence, my problems and fear of socialization, but only because I want to be able to connect with people or let them connect with me. I want people who go through the same things to feel like they're not alone and I want to feel less lonely myself. I also tend to process my feelings/things easier when I actually get them out of my head, either via talking to someone or via text. It makes me realise things that I wouldn't have realised otherwise, and it makes it easier for me to come into terms with things or accept/forgive.
