You obviously don't know me.

[I'm sorry(beforehand) for swearing in this post]

Okay. So... everyone's pretty much the same. Even my best friend sees me that way. I just... no. I can't put into words how fucking sad I felt when she said what she said today.

I get it alright. I'm quiet and I follow the rules like a fckng slave. I get it, alright? Teachers like me and blablabla. Shut up. I just don't know what's wrong with me... but I just always, always think I don't deserve the good grades that I get. I always feel as if I'm not good enough. Last term my French teacher gave me an A in French. I was shocked, and scared... so I told myself "I don't deserve this A. I suck at French, etc.". I don't know if that's my way of trying to get myself into the safe zone or not but... I'm scared I'll disappoint myself. I'm scared I'll disappoint my teachers. I'm scared that the A will lowen to a B,C,D,E or an F and that my self-esteem will get worse. So... I told her "I don't deserve this A...", yeah, it was bad of me because that's what started it all. So she started to think "Why did she give you an A then? Is it because she likes you? That's so unfair" etc, etc. I tried to explain to her that I was scared of the "A", but it didn't get through.

Today when we were sitting at a table in some kind of restaurant... she said to me "You're so lucky. All the teachers love you". So I got a bit hurt. I thought she understood. I mean... all those times I've helped her with her homework... All those times I've been busy with my homework.. All those times I hadn't have time for any kind of fun at all. I thought she understood. But she didn't.

I've been walking around hearing lots of stuff like "she's the teacher's favorite, she's so lucky" and it really pisses me off. I can't fucking control the teachers' minds. I'm just being the ME who's quiet and listens to others instead off babbling away lessons during classes. I'm sick and tired of hearing that shit behind my back every fucking day.

"Yeah, hurry up to your lesson and lick the teachers' asses"

"You're such an eye servant"

"omg, you haven't done anything to deserve those grades"

"All the teachers like you. Of course you'll get those grades."

They obviously don't know me if they talk like that. As if that's not enough...now my best friend thinks that way too. What hurts me is the fact that she knows how much I suffer because of school, homework and the stress, but despite that... she still thinks that way about me. It came as a shock for me. She showed me some signs of her way of thinking way before but I never really took it to heart. But today, she said it out loud. I thought she knew me, but oh boy was I wrong. I've even helped her with her homework and all of that. But I guess it doesn't matter, hm? no, it doesn't.... because it's partly my fault for not hanging out with her that much anymore, and my fault for having this awful self-esteem.

By saying me what she did.... is that the same way of telling me "you're not good enough to get an A", the same thing I tell myself almost everyday? Does this mean she doesn't believe I deserve it?

This whole thing made me think that... no one will really understand me, even I won't understand myself. And it's just a matter of time before I start to think like all of them, completely. I'm a coward, am I not...? It was only just now that I realized it; I'm a coward for not being able to believe in myself because of the fear of becoming too egoistic.

[I'm sorry if I wasn't grammatically correct in some parts but I'm too tired to read through it again...]