I almost decided to create a new blog where I would type all the thoughts and negative feelings I've had lately because I was scared it would be too much negativity for people to bear. But then I thought about it some more and well... this blog (from the very beginning) was actually for the sole purpose for me to just talk about what's been lingering in my chest because I just didn't know how else to cope with it; that's the reason this blog is called "her shout outs" after all.
I keep going back and forth posting and not posting, and I keep getting the urge to start all over with a new place to post stuff because in my head the inconsistency with the posts is driving me insane. With this post, however, I'm trying to learn not everything needs to be perfect. It's fine if things don't look "clean", it's fine if there are holes or missed spots here and there, IT'S FINE. Calm down. It's fine. Even with my art, I couldn't do any rough sketches just for the fun of it because everything had to be perfect. I feel like I'm limiting myself too much with the perfectionism. How will I ever learn to enjoy things if I keep obsessing over how things "should" be perfect? Typing all of this has led me to realise that this obsession has prevented me to evolve as well, because I fear giving room for mistakes. I always stay in my comfort zone where I "know" how to do things because that's how I thought I could avoid permanent and noticable mistakes, specifically when it comes to art. Wait, stop. I've lost track.
The purpose of this post was to express how scared I feel at the moment. My mind feels very chaotic. I have a lot of ideas of what I want to do and I can kind of see a lot of possibilities as well. The only problem is that they overwhelm me because I don't have enough confidence to carry them through. At one point I can feel the hope but then at another point it suddenly extinguishes. The ideas and possibilities feel like tsunamis that move in different speeds to put out my small candle of light that I light up again and again from time to time. I don't even know if that metaphor made sense xD Regardless whether it did or not, it made sense in my head when I thought of it. I'm scared and worried, but I'm also hopeful. Idk ><
Here are some short updates:
- I've graduated high school/upper secondary/college and I honestly couldn't believe I did it? The fear I had that I wouldn't be able to do it felt very real to me despite what reality showed. In my head, I just couldn't see myself graduating. People told me I did well, teachers told me I was a good student with potential, everyone around me told me I would be able to graduate but I still didn't believe them. It didn't matter how high grades I got, how much praise people gave me and how much other people believed I was capable. The only person I listened to was myself and I didn't believe in myself. At one point I remember how scared I actually was when I realised how fucked up my sense of reality of myself was (if that makes sense). I truly believed I wouldn't make it, as silly as that sounds. I would cry over it, I had anxiety over it, I stressed over it. I can't express how relieved I felt when the graduation came and I got the degree. Typing this makes me teary. I feel so proud but also very frustrated with myself for treating myself the way I that I do, even after I promised myself I would take care of myself better after graduation. WHAT IS THIS?
- I created a YouTube channel as well as an instagram for my art although I don't upload anything consistently even though I do want to.... The reasons are what I brought up earlier about my mindset. When it comes to YouTube though, there are also a lot of construction work going on in our appartment complex so it makes recording videos more difficult ;__;
- I recently started going to DBT which stands for "dialectical behavior therapy". AS STUPID AS IT SOUNDS, I don't know too much about it other than the fact that it's supposed to help provide patients with better methods to be able to handle different situations/emotions as well as to help them practice the new "skills". My mind is filled with a lot of shame, guilt, self-hatred, self-doubt etc. These things are what makes me avoid a lot of things. DBT is supposedly supposed to help raise one's "life quality" and make one feel that life is worth living. To be completely honest with you, I don't even feel like I deserve this therapy even if I feel like I need it. I don't know how to explain but it's like "I'm no one, why should I be granted this opportunity when there are others who might need it more than me?". All these years I've felt as if people have been "scaling down" the importance of my feelings, and I've always felt hurt by it, but at the same time that's what I do to myself as well. Hypocrite much? I don't know for sure if I came to treat my feelings that same way because of how I always interpret how other people view my feelings? Or maybe my feelings really don't matter and I'm just sitting here trying to trick everyone into believing that I'm having a hard time with them because I want them to matter? Oh yeah, this is another problem. I have this constant feeling of being a bad person. I always question the things I do and I tend to feel like I'm a very selfish and self-centered person. I also have this fear that I might be subconsciously manipulating people to like me. "I'm unlikeable so how in the world do people come to like me? I might be manipulating them". Does anything I say make sense? I hope so... Since I only recently started the therapy, I have no idea if it's going to work for me but I have hope that it will cus I feel like I might be diving deeper into these thoughts I have of myself.
..... I said "short" updates................. I'm sorry. It's 3am... but I know I can't blame it on the time because I tend to lose myself when I type. I always type too much, I'm sorry.
Goodnight and thank you for reading >< Sorry if everything is all over the place. I wish I could've explained a few of the things I brought up better but I'm running out of fuel for my brain :'(
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