Is it really love

Hi,
I just needed to get something off of my chest again. It probably sounds really cringy but... is it really love if you try to force someone to think, feel or do things that you want them to do because that's the only way you deem is the correct way to live life? Is it really love if you shame someone for doing harmless things that you just happen to not agree with? Is it really love if you trap someone for your own benifit? I don't know if I can believe that it is, especially if all the underlying reasons for your "wishes" are actually for yourself, but you disguise your selfish reasons as something that is for the sake of the people you supposedly love. Isn't love supposed to be selfless? Shouldn't you set the people you love free? Shouldn't your wish be for them to be happy? Isn't that what's supposed to matter the most, as long as they're good people? And just so you know, people tend to want to escape if they feel trapped. So if you asked me why they left you after all the time you've spent together, and possibly why they decided to cut off all ties with you, I would've said that this was your own doing. I don't care if I sound cruel, and I don't care how, when or where you grew up. And honestly, what frustrates me the most is that even if I try my hardest to explain to you the reason why, you still wouldn't understand. Actually, you may understand it the first time but the more we have these conversations, the harder you try to justify your actions and the less you actually see the problems for what they are. In the end, you put the blame on them and nothing is your fault.

Relationships

Hmm... All this time I've been wondering and thinking about why I always feel lonely even though I have friends and family, but I've never really come to a definite answer. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I can trust people when they say or show that they love and care about me? Maybe it's also because I don't trust myself when I think I love and care about others as well? Maybe it's because I don't really believe in the fact that it's possible for relationships to last? Maybe it's because I feel like everyone will leave me eventually and thus I create this additional layer (separating me from everyone) to all the millions of layers that are there already? I feel sad but also protected by my subconscious self in a way. I'm so scared of being hurt by people leaving, so in my head they either already left a long time ago, or they had never even entered the relationship from the start. I even sometimes feel lonely when I'm actually spending time with people cus it's as if my mind wants to distance itself from the present time... and I feel lonelier the more I love and care about someone. (Idk. Hard to explain. I bet nothing made sense.) Whenever I manage to enjoy someone else's company in the present time and we say bye for the day, I make myself feel like crap. First comes the self-critic, secondly the negative judgements, thirdly the self-loath and fourthly the mean bitch who slowly erases my worth.

I feel like this was some sort of new insight for me even though it probably should've been obvious a long time ago. It doesn't make what I've written before this invalid though, because I feel like it could be a combination of this and everything I've talked about in those earlier posts related to the same matter.

I was lying in bed while thinking about this and I had to write it out. It makes things easier to process >< If you've read this far, thank you for reading. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. Goodnight ;u;

No Title

*negative post*

Ok.. so uhm hi.

I kind of want to unlink this blog from my other social media because I feel sorry for people have to read all the negative shit I put out x)

Anyways, I'm not feeling too well. I've been crying a lot. And whenever I feel like shit I just want to delete everything and everyone and just be by myself. I know it's because I haven't really been taking care of myself. I usually do feel the way I feel now but not as strongly because I've been able to push it away to the back of my mind for me to be able to enjoy other stuff. I guess lately I've been feeling too weak to be able to do that because obviously I haven't slept well nor have I eaten enough food. It's also winter time. Every tiny little thing makes me feel worthless and bothersome. I regret all the things I do in relation to others because I don't feel like I have the right to do any of those things. For example, when I talk to people I feel like I shouldn't have because "oh no I've talked too much" even if I've only said one or two sentences. Every tiniest little change of facial expression makes me worried because to me even facial expressions that should be considered "neutral" seem negative to me. "They think I'm weird, they hate me" blablabla. Even if they smile, when I look at their eyes, I feel like they could be smiling because they feel awkward/weird. I look at their eyes, mouth courners, and I interpret their body language in a way that is self-destructive if that makes sense? I always overanalyze and I constantly feel anxious. At times I'm even close to tears depending on how they respond to me. In my opinion, I'm overly sensitive. I've been told I'm such a cry baby so many times in primary. I agree, I am a cry baby and it's annoying to hang out with me. If I don't get along with someone and we have a mini arguement my heart rate goes crazy, blood rushes to my head, my speech pattern messes up and my eyes start tearing up. I hate this part about myself but I guess the one thing I can appreciate is the fact that I feel like I can understand why people overreact to different things (like overthinking, "over-worrying" and crying over things). I hate myself for being so overly sensitive but I would never judge/hate/dislike someone else for being "overly sensitive", if it was someone else I wouldn't even call it being "overly" sensitive. My logic is flawless isn't it? :^)

This is one of those moments where I wish to erase my existence from the world and at the same time I also wish I could have someone to hug me, understand me and tell me everything will be okay... but then again I don't know if I really trust that people care for me as they say they do. I always have my suspicions telling me that everything is lies and that I'm bothersome and hated as I believe I am. And as weird as it sounds, it feels good to cry because I've always tried to keep the tears and my emotions in check whenever I encounter "normal everyday life unpleasant experiences" such as someone telling you to move out of their way, someone asking you "what the hell are you looking at?", people making a face of disbelief towards you, disagreements etc. I'm thinking those emotions didn't really get the chance to be processed. I've always wanted to cry but I always tried so hard to keep it in. Especially when someone else is with me or if I were to be in public. And even if I do burst out crying, even then I would try to quiet it down. So basically, whenever I'm by myself it feels good to just let it loose and be like "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" (in a silent way). A bit nasty but does anyone else cry through their nose more than their eyes as well? Whenever I cry my snot always gets way ahead of my tears :') ... I should sleep.

is this even a necessary post? I'll post it anyway.

My Face Dictionary and Thoughts About Being "Expressive"

A random thought. But hmm.. maybe not so random actually? I just thought of how I'm a lot more expressive when it comes to typing than talking, because in text I tend to use a lot of faces to express different feelings or reactions such as:

xD     x'D     XD     x)     X3         (for laughing or finding something funny/amusing)

:^)     ;^)     :^D     ;);););)     :-)     :)     :^(     (for being creepy or weird/odd, I might also add a tear in there if I want to)

:'D     :')     c':     (for cry laughing out of discomfort or sadness)

:3     :D     (for being happy or friendly)

c:     ^^     ^-^     (for being friendly)

;__;     ;~;     ;A;     ;u;     ;n;     T_T     T^T     (for expressing a cry either because of sadness or happiness)

:(     :c     (for being sad)

>//<     ;//;     (for being embarrassed or for blushing)

*-*     *_*     (for admiring something/someone, sparkly eyes)

*Q*     (for drooling out of excitement or longing)

@_@     0.0     0_0     <_>     (for being confused)

-__-     =_=;     (for being irritated or "I can't believe this..." or "wtf" but same thing)

><     or     >_<     (for being embarrassed or wanting to express concern or empathy, or pain idk)

:/     :T     (either empathy or not being happy with something)

:'T     '^'     ;^;     (not happy with something/ pouting)

<_<     ("wtf" or "uhm okay")

>w<     (happy/excited)

^^;     (excusing myself/embarrassed/insecure)

The only emoji I ever use without feeling the "constraint" of having to adapt is the crying emoji with tears streaming down its face.

....obviously I don't use all of them because there are a lot of people who don't know the "face language" xD I used to use them all in different crazy combinations when I was younger. but then at one point I came to realisation how many there were who didn't understand what the hell I was typing so I stopped and started to adapt to people instead. I always check the other person's typing language and then I kind of pick up how they express themselves and try to "mimick" their language with a twist of my own expressions (if that makes sense). If people use emojis, I use them as well even though I hate them so much because they're so.... idk ugly ? :c I prefer using faces to express and I'm not gonna lie, I wish people knew them even though I know that's not going to be possible :') and I also know that not all people enjoy them or find them appropriate. Some even think they're childish. AH, I keep going off track, sorry.

BACK TO MY POINT: I feel like I'm a lot more expressive through text with "facial expressions". In real life I feel like a poker faced person when I'm with friends I'm the most comfortable with. I found myself to forcefully make facial expressions such as smiling, concerned, shocked, happy, excited etc when I'm with people I don't feel too comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, I do make some facial expressions here and there when I'm with friends whom I'm the most comfortable with but it depends on the occasion... or maybe I'm just less aware of it idk. My facial expressions are mostly subtle I think? I feel like I have to "wear" more "visible" facial expressions with less close friends/acquaintances to be seen as a relatively friendly and expressive person because it feels like they would find you less weird if you do. Maybe I'm just overthinking now... I do find myself being expressionless very often when I'm with close friends/family though. Maybe a lot of people are feeling the same way? Isn't it normal to like... exaggerate things when you're with someone you don't know too well? to make yourself seem more interesting? idk.

What made me think of this is my conversations with people on the internet. I feel like I seem more interesting on the internet than I actually am in real life. In real life I just feel like an expressionless person, at least in comparison to my internet persona. Not saying my typing isn't genuine, but more like I don't know how to express myself through my face in real life, possibly because of how I used to be judged whenever I expressed happiness in a "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY" way etc.

When I was in London with one of my closest friends, we were walking on the side walk and she asked me "how are you feeling?" because she was kind of a bit concerned if I was feeling down or something since I barely expressed anything. I told her "I'm actually happy. I'm just enjoying the moment right now. I'm sorry if I don't show it that well" and she said it was okay x) That moment actually made me think of this subject as well as back when I was younger, I met up with this very old friend whom I hadn't seen for so long although we had messaged each other back and forth a lot. When we met up for the first time in a while, she kept asking me if I was bored and if I was okay. On top of that I was kind of a bit quiet. Idk, that's just how I enjoy things. I look bored/sad on the outside but I'm feeling joy and peaceful on the inside. This has made me quite worried tbh. I keep getting worried people will find me boring to hang out with. All these years I had a hard time admitting that I do care so much about what other people think of me. It was only just recently I admitted to it. Yes, I want people to like me. I want people to find me fun to be with and I want people to want to spend time with me. I don't like exaggerating expressions cus it makes me feel fake but I can't help but to do it. Once again though; It's not that I don't feel those emotions within me, it's just that the expressions for them don't come naturally for me because I'm not used to actually expressing them.

I guess this is also where I should take a look back at my friend's boyfriend in my last post (click to read it here). I said his straight face seemed intimidating to me because whenever I tried to smile/laugh to ease things up, he still kept his straight face. Typing all of this, I now realise I should've thought about it a bit more and given him a break. Who am I to judge? although I kinda do tend to get easily intimidated by people regardless of how they are :')) even if they were to be expressive, I would've analyzed every facial expression and probably projected my own insecurities or hatred towards myself onto them, and then felt like shit. I know people don't tend to get drawn towards people who lack confidence. "People love people who love themselves". That statement is something that has been bugging me for a while because it makes me regret sharing things. Something someone said made me realise I don't want to be "known" as the person who hates themselves. Like... "oh that's the person who hates themselves". I felt like I wasn't really a person with personality, only a person who hates themselves and nothing more than that. It made me scared of how people perceived me as by the things they saw me portray. Another thing that scared me was how I was scared people would get sick of me. I'm always negative so what if people think "ugh, it's her again with her negative shit"?

I'm usually very transparent on the internet when it comes to my lack of self-confidence, my problems and fear of socialization, but only because I want to be able to connect with people or let them connect with me. I want people who go through the same things to feel like they're not alone and I want to feel less lonely myself. I also tend to process my feelings/things easier when I actually get them out of my head, either via talking to someone or via text. It makes me realise things that I wouldn't have realised otherwise, and it makes it easier for me to come into terms with things or accept/forgive.

Met one of my closer friends as well as her boyfriend

I met a friend whom I hadn't met for ages today.. uh, I mean "yesterday" cus it's 1am now xD

Hmm... We went to a café called "Espresso House" which is actually a huge Swedish café chain which is active (?) in the Nordic countries. I ordered some caramel cheesecake because I had been craving it for SO LONG as well as a Chai Latte, and she ordered a mudcake with Chai Latte too :'3 (Espresso House's Chai Latte is the best, and so is their Frapino :'D You should really give them a try if you ever decide to pay a visit! The Strawberry & White Chocolate Frapino is my favourite Frapino heheehe)

I'm not going to lie, I was very nervous. I tend to be nervous if I haven't met someone for a long time even if they're really close friends of mine. I'm sure I might not be the only one who feels this way? :o What made me even more nervous though was the fact that her boyfriend wanted to meet me and get to know me as well the same day. I'm grateful that I got to meet her for approximately 2 hours before he joined us though ^^;

I brought my camera, sketchbook, pens and notebook with me this time. Everytime I go out I always battle with thoughts of whether I should bring them with me or not and I ALWAYS regret not bringing them afterwards. I'm glad I learnt my lesson this time though because the sketching actually made the whole hang out with her and her boyfriend a bit more chill in a way since we had something to do x) I found it cute how they both wanted to sketch and a "plus" is that I now also have a little memory of it to look back at ^-^ I sketched the cup with Chai Latte and the girl with the weird pumpkin on her head (I sketched her upside down x'D), my friend made the cactus and the planet and her boyfriend made the screaming frog, the unicorn and the tree :') My friend actually sketched a unicorn first but then she erased it and then her boyfriend wanted to give it a try as well xD

Her boyfriend and I only small talked for a while in the beginning but then it went quiet between us. In my point of view, our hang out was disastrous in the "OH LET'S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER" sense because when we were "done" small talking it felt like I was ignoring him ;__; I KEPT SKETCHING TO PRETEND TO NOT BEING BOTHERED BY HOW AWKWARD I FELT FOR HIS SAKE, IDK. I felt like a failure. My friend had already told me that he has a very serious face most of the time, like a poker face, so I was kiiinda prepared? But idk... whenever I laughed at something and saw how he kept his straight face, I couldn't help but to think "oh, sorry, why did I laugh, that wasn't funny at all nvm". I suck :'D Apparently he didn't think it was disastrous though? MEETING A CLOSE FRIEND'S PARTNER IS ALWAYS SO... EXCITING AND INTERESTING BUT ALSO SCARY AT THE SAME TIME. Not sure how to explain it but aren't we all curious as to what type of person the people are that our close friends are dating? .............. does that question make sense........... é_è

....anyways, I'm so tired and sleepy which is unusual at this hour, but not really surprising since I was actually out socializing :') I really hope me and this friend will hang out a bit more often because I miss her. The bad thing about us though is that we're both awful at keeping in contact with people (in general).

I wanted to talk a bit more about this whole "barrier" thingy when it comes to being myself/relax with other people etc, cus I came to some sort of insight today even though I already knew about it before. I'll talk about it in my next post though because I'm too tired to function right now and it's more of a follow-up to the post "Emptiness and Loneliness". Goodnight!~ ....I feel like this post is all over the place :^)

Stabbing Myself (Nightmare)

I was on the train and sat diagonally in front of a man around his thirties or forties (I'm not good with age but he seemed slightly younger than my dad). The man tried to start multiple conversations with me saying something along the lines of me being interesting. I was uncomfortable. He wouldn't stop bugging me even though I gave him very short answers in attempts to brush him off.

At one point during the ride, when I looked out of the window, I noticed in the corner of my eyes that he pulled up what I thought was a sketchbook. He started drawing me or something because he looked at me attentively as he made lines on the paper. I caught myself for a moment actually looking at him with surprise but looked away again pretending I didn't see anything to avoid eye contact. He then pulled up his phone and started asking me which picture he should sketch. He showed me two pictures of me being on the train. The pictures were of me on a different day with different clothes on. In one of the pictures I wore the hijab and in another one I wasn't. I was confused and asked him "Uhm... Where were these photos taken? I don't recall ever having seen them". He said "Oh i took them the other day on the train when I saw you :)". I then started panicking; My heart started racing. I said "uh okay then... I think I'm gonna leave....". As I made a move to get up he said "oh no no, don't leave. Did I scare you? Please stay" and pulled my arm lightly to make me stay. I looked around in a desperate attempt to get help from other passengers. Some people noticed but they didn't do anything to help because they were unsure if something really happened and if i knew this man or not etc. I slowly rested my left hand where my heart was and felt it racing even more. I looked around again feeling unsettled. "Uhm actually... I'm gonna leave", I said hesitantly. I doubted myself because I wasn't sure whether or not I was making a bigger deal out of it than it actually was, cause no one was really reacting to it. He again said "no no don't leave, don't leave", he didn't seem to realise what he had done wrong. I pulled my arm out of his grip quickly and started to power walk to the left, away from him. He gave me such weird, creepy and uncomfortable vibes. Had he been watching me all these times I've been on the same train as him???? I felt him walking after me but he wasn't as quick. He probably didn't want to catch anyone's attention. After a while, some of the other passengers got in the way for him because they had to go to the bathroom, so I took this chance to dash to the end of the train.

When reaching the end of the train, there were three other passengers there standing in front of the doors waiting to get off at the next stop. The next stop was close but not as close as I would've liked it to be. I had to ask them for help since I could feel him getting closer. I turned around to look at them and told them there was a man coming after me and that I needed help to hide. They realized the situation and helped create some sort of "human wall" for me so that he wouldn't see me when he made his way to us. I took a glance at him and saw how he tried to look for me. "Hurry, hurry, please let me off" I thought to myself. The people who helped me said they would make sure he wouldn't see me when we get off.

After the few seconds in which felt like hours, the doors opened and we got off the train together. Unfortunately he caught a glimpse of me. He then started coming after me again and I started running away from the train station. I had to get home but I didn't want him to know where I lived so I hid myself in the bushes when I knew he wasn't looking. Unfortunately again, he found me. Although he wasn't in the form of a man when he came for me this time. Appearance wise he was in the form of a girl I knew in real life, but when it actually came to his inner core, I could feel it was me. In other words, I was being chased by myself. (Now, in real life I have no actual relationship with the girl he/I took form as. Me and her are just acquaintances, so I don't think there was any reason as to why she appeared other than the fact that I recently thought about her) I had a knife out of nowhere, pulled it out and stabbed her with it when she reached for my body. She fell on the grass and I stabbed her again and again and again. In the stomach, hands... in her face mostly. I was disgusted, creeped out and appalled by her. I very clearly remember the sensation of stabbing the knife into her flesh, the sensation of when I pulled it out to stab her again, and the noises it made. It felt so terrifying but I couldn't stop stabbing her because of how threatened I felt by her. By this time I think her appearance started shifting again and now she had my face and body. I specifically recall stabbing through her lips at least three times (even though we all know human beings have teeth, I stabbed through them as well, dream logic). There was barely any blood coming out from her wounds. She already lost consciousness but I kept going for a bit longer until another clone of her appeared diagonally on top of her. Their bodies reacted as if the other body wasn't actually there; They reacted like holograms to each other even though they were still touchable for me. This clone was also out of consciousness but I proceeded to continuously stab her as well.

When I was done, I quickly ran home with my heart still racing from the fear. Even though she probably was dead, I still didn't feel completely safe yet. I can't remember keeping the knife but I guess I did because when I came back home, I had the knife in reach when I saw her once again. She wasn't dead, she was as good as new and she had figured out where I lived. She stood in the hallway and started to make her way towards me as she was smiling. I pulled out the knife again and stabbed her again and again and again. The end of the dream then only consisted of repeating scenes of me stabbing her over and over again. If any of you have seen the show "Lucifer", you'll know what I mean when I say how it felt like my own personal hell.

The Story Of The Cotton Pads. Follow My Mind As I Overthink.

Uhhh.... I think I messed up. I cleaned my piercings not too long ago with salt water and I had these 3 soaked cotton pads on my ears pressing against my piercings while doing other stuff. I thought I had already taken removed them at some point idk. They're supposed to sit on your piercings for around 5-10 mins and a lot more time had passed already so I didn't think any of it any longer. I decided to go to the bathroom outside (there's construction work going on with our bathrooms so they arranged bathrooms for us outside), came back home again, sat on my bed and continued tapping around with my fingers on the keyboard of the laptop. An annoying hair chunk then fell right in front of my face so I pulled it back behind my left ear, obviously my fingers touched the top of the ear, so I felt one of the wet cotton pads still being there... "Wait, what? Hadn't I thrown them away already?" I quickly reached for the lower part of my ear to check if that one was still there as well but no, IT WAS GONE. I checked the other ear and the cotton pad on that one is gone as well. Wtf.... did I remove 2 of them and forget this last one, or did I drop the other 2 wet salt water soaked cotton pads along the way....? But where did I drop them????? Did I drop them in the bathroom? Outside? In the kitchen?

Now that I try to recall I think I heard a "DUN" at some point either in the bathroom outside or in the kitchen... ...or is this just my mind trying to trick me into thinking I've heard the dropping sound when in reality I actually haven't? I check the kitchen: nothing there. I check the trash: only one cotton pad is in there... which means I really did drop the 2 missing cotton pads? Can't find them anywhere else in the apartment.

Urrrhhh.... I feel violated for some reason <_< ... cus it feels like I've dropped parts of me on the walk outside, or in the bathroom even. I mean... the cotton pads have TOUCHED my open piercing wounds; it feels too personal for me to think "OH WHATEVER, THEY'RE JUST COTTON PADS, GET OVER IT". Idk, am I the only one who feels this way about things I drop that have touched my body? What makes it worse is that those cotton pads were WET. What if there is blood on them or any other of my body fluids? Isn't it disgusting to see something like that on the ground especially if they're not even yours??? It wasn't even my intention to leave them exposed to the neighbourhood like that. Which is worse tho? Having dropped the cotton pads in the collective bathroom or outside on the walk where strangers might see them?... or in the apartment where your family members actually know they're yours, because you're the only one with tons of bloody piercings, and then risk hearing the "EEEWWWWWW, it's Sana's dirty disgusting cotton pads!! EW EW EW" and then being whined about, even if it has just happened this one time? IDK, ALL OF THEM ARE HORRIBLE TBH. AAAHHHHH I even think one of the construction workers might know they belong to me if he spots them on the ground, because HE FCKNG SAW ME WITH THE WET COTTON PADS ON MY EARS AT ONE POINT WHEN WE INTERACTED. 

Story of our interaction: 
That day my mother and one of my brothers had just left the apartment to do some shopping. I was left home alone because all the other family members had gone out as well prior to that. The door bell started ringing and I naively went to open up the door because I thought they had forgotten something and came back to get it. I opened the door and out there, around 2 metres away from the door, stood this man wearing construction work clothes. "OH SHIT", I thought to myself. I went into a panic mode because this social interaction caught me soooo off guard. My mother always told me "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR TO STRANGERS OKAY? ALWAYS CHECK BEFORE YOU OPEN". Why the hell didn't I do that this time? I could've at least prepared myself a bit more if I did. What is wrong with me? He turned his head around and looked at me. "....uhhh :'] ...hi..." I said. He greeted back and started talking about how he needed to replace the radiators in the rooms that were connected to the balconies. I was far too lost in my worries to even be able to process anything he was saying. I probably had a terrified expression on my face because he then asked ".... uhm... do you speak Swedish?". It snapped me out of my endless wander through my brain and I said "oh, oh yeah, yeah I do haha ^^;". He then continued to explain the situation to me and what he needed etc. Among all the worries that went through my mind, it hit me that I had just recently cleaned my piercings and that the cotton pads were still on my ears. OH FFS. Here I am, looking like a mess. Hair is all over the place, wearing pyjamas, face looks like shit... DID I REALLY HAVE TO ALSO BE WEARING THESE WET COTTON PADS ON MY EARS LOOKING AS IF I HAD TORN THEM UP IN AN ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING? Calm down. Get rid of them as descreetly as possible. As he was speaking, I looked at him as attentively as I could, and slowly and sneakily removed the cotton pads one by one while replying when I needed to, hoping that he wouldn't notice. I think he noticed though, I mean yeah, he might not have cared but he probably noticed. THE BIG QUESTIONs ARE THOUGH "DOES HE REMEMBER?!?!?!? WILL HE RECOGNISE WHO THEY BELONG TO IF HE SEES THEM ON THE GROUND?!?!? ... DO I NEED TO WORRY?"

...if it was day time I probably would've run around trying to look for them and actually throw them in the bin. Leaving trash where it doesn't belong is so irresponsibly rude imo (if it's intentional ofc). I really need to ask myself though "WHY DID I MAKE SUCH A HUGE DEAL OUT OF THIS????" They're just cotton pads! ....wet cotton pads.... that have touched my body... and possibly have my personal body fluid on them.... just lying outside in the open... :']

*breathes* 

Just chill okay, chill .................... :^D