Nightmare - He has a split personality

He has a split personality. One part of him is kind, caring and loving while the other is a psychotic child killing machine that collects the children's clothes to later sell them at his clothing factory. He has a girlfriend who works at the clothing factory with him too, but one who doesn't know about his dark ways of getting the clothes they sell there. Despite finding out about the things he did in the shadows, she decided to stay with him and pretend she hadn't seen anything, for he had given her the one thing no one ever gave her in the past; love and care. Just the thought of leaving him hurt her so much it was unbearable.

This was the main story of a nightmare I once had, and in the nightmare the girlfriend was me. The first picture is a scene seen from my perspective when I had trailed him and caught him in the act, although it's a bit altered when it comes to the massacre and the blood bath. In the actual nightmare I trailed him while he killed one child at a time. In total I witnessed two children die and one teacher because the teacher was in the way. The second picture is of him a moment before the massacre with my arms lovingly around his neck after having given him a kiss.

Those pictures were actually originally made for a school assignment where I had taken inspiration from this nightmare to write a short story of 2 pages (which is why it's hard for me to explain what the true parts of the actual nightmare are, and what the altered parts for the sake of the short story are). It's so hard to explain because there are 3 stories in total and I don't want to come off as if I'm lying. One is the real nightmare, second is the short story for the school assignment, and third is the summary in which merges those two stories together to fit in with the pictures and create a main point! Hope that clears the air ><

Btw, on the second picture I had to write "arms" because one of my friends thought it was a scarf he was wearing :''')))

Something I've refrained to talk about this whole time.

Ever since I've made the decision to restart my two high school years to take the art course, I've grown kind of ashamed of myself. Seeing people my age already getting jobs and some study at uni makes me want to hide for still being stuck here. I feel a lot of insecurity when people ask me what I do now and most of it is because most of the people in primary expect me to have already graduated and moved on to something "greater", since I kind of had the image of being a "good student" back then. This has been confirmed a few times as I've been told by some that they thought I was smarter than this and that I should've continued with natural sciences. And there are also so many people that have been reacting to the "news" in surprise after hearing it from one person or another (obviously they might not all be bad). Another even bigger decision in my opinion, in which I have been avoiding to talk about for so long, is the fact that I removed my hijab (hijab is a piece of cloth that women in Islam usually wear) after having worn it for 7 years. It was such a sensitive topic for me because most of the people around me wouldn’t see this as something good, in fact it’s quite shameful. I cried so much over it at the start, thinking I probably should put it back on to please others and make it easier for myself, in which isn’t right. Because firstly hijab isn’t to be worn if you don’t want to and secondly you shouldn’t be doing something for the sake of others. By doing this you’re lying to yourself, and others, when building up this façade, and in the religious part of view it wouldn’t be genuine either. Believe it or not, you can be religious even without the hijab. On the contrary, there are plenty of women who wears the hijab but aren't religious as well. As for the people judging others for making decisions you disagree with, just because it’s unpleasing to your eyes, it doesn’t give you the right to spread a bunch of negativity regarding those people (I doubt you’re perfect yourself). I used to be so cautious of going out fearing I might stumble across people like that. But with loads of help and support from my sister and friends (and even people who just faced me with positivity), I managed to hang in there until I became somewhat stable. I grew up in a muslim household with muslim parents, obviously, and they were really disappointed in me when I after so many years finally came clean with them when it came to the hijab. Truthfully, it wasn't really my own decision to start wearing it. I was somewhat pressured into wearing it since my older sister started wearing it when she was in 5th grade, which I guess made my parents expect me to wear it at an early age as well. Unfortunately I wasn't given the opportunity to freely choose myself. By "freely" I mean without pressure/forcefulness. Our mother even asked my older sister plenty of times if she was sure she wanted to wear it. On my part it was done differently and that's where they went wrong with it since it got the opposite effect of what they wanted. The thing is (and I'm sure you probably know already), by human nature, if you're pressured/forced into doing something or being a certain way, you tend to stray away from it. If they hadn't done it the way they did, I probably wouldn't have turned out to be such a shameful disappointment for them. During the years of wearing the hijab, I've had people looking up to me and telling me I'm brave for being able to wear it. I felt a bit bad about it because I had to pretend everything was alright even though it wasn't. They even asked me for advice on how to learn to accept it as a part of oneself, but to be honest, I had no truthful advice to give because all I did was just suck it up and do what I was expected to do. One of them was so enthusiastic about starting to wear it, but at the same time she was scared people would judge her for it. But now a few years later when I went through with taking mine off, about a month or more after, I saw that she had started wearing hers with pride. I got really happy for her of course, but I felt ashamed of myself too because in the end, I wasn't who she saw me as. Among all these feelings of shame for coming out as myself but not being the way people thought or wanted me to be, I still can’t help but being a bit proud of myself for having come this far. Even though there are so many things weighing me down, I can't help but to feel happy for managing to break out of this pattern I was caught up in. It's totally fine if you don't agree with my decisions, as long as you leave me alone. Also, not wearing the hijab anymore doesn't make me a bad person, and personality wise I'm still the same. If you have read this far, thank you so much for hearing me out ;__;; And in case you want to know how it went on my first day, here is a bit of a summary for that: The first day I was at school without it, I sat on the ground (outside of one of the school buildings) in a corner formed by bushes because I couldn't bring myself to go anywhere due to the overwhelming feelings of guilt of having done something "unacceptable". While sitting there, a person (whom I had talked to a few times before) came out of the school building and saw me, she recognized me and her reaction didn't change one bit. She just greeted me like she normally would and it made me so confused. She asked me if I was okay and I just nodded, said yes and tried to force a smile even though I was really unstable. Luckily she left me alone and I burst out crying, because somehow in my mind, I was expecting some sort of negative reaction since I was so used to people around me being like that. I called one of my closest friends to pick me up because I couldn't go anywhere myself, and she came and comforted me. She managed to calm me down through a lot of encouragement and reassurance that nothing bad would happen. When I had wiped my tears, we decided to just sit somewhere on the school yard for me to learn to get used to being there without the hijab. A few of our classmates happened to see us and I got a lot of compliments regarding my hair. I was surprised by the fact that no one even asked me why I stopped wearing the hijab, because most people I've been around in the past would've questioned me. The amount of positivity I received made me teary. All this time I thought that even people outside of the religion would care and judge me for it, but it turned out it wasn't that way at all. It seemed as if taking off the hijab isn't a big deal to them, and this felt really comforting for me. Although the downside was that some didn't understand the fear that came with it, which became quite hurtful since it felt like they thought it was simple just "not to care" about other people's opinions. I guess it's different for each and everyone how much of an impact people around them can have on them. It's just important to know that for someone who has grown up in an environment where they're constantly pressured, watched and whispered about it's kind of hard "not to care" just like that. Although it was so hard for me back then, nowadays I lean a lot more towards the "I don't care" spectrum (with my dyed hair and piercings). Apparently I've changed so much to the point where people don't even recognize me anymore, which puts me in quite a weird position if I may say so myself XD (sorry if my English is bad!)

Adults Gossiping

It might seem as if I'm in a happy place right now and that everything is totally fine. But there are so many factors making me feel like shit. Most of the people surrounding me are so filled with negativity towards people they don't even know. Adults acting like teens/children, going around spreading rumors, gossiping about people, even the ones who are so much younger than them AND THEY'RE ENJOYING IT. Aren't they supposed to be adults? Aren't they supposed to act like one? I'm wondering if this is a usual thing? Is it normal to act this way?????? I mean, I knew from the start they were shady people but I still get as surprised every time I hear about them acting that way. I honestly DON'T UNDERSTAND how people can act that way at all? Especially adults. Yes, they're people too, but can't they at least keep their mouth shut if there's something they don't like about a person(children/teens/other adults or w/e) than walking around gossiping?????

HONESTLY, I've lost faith. I have trust issues because of this behavior of these people. Them acting friendly when they see you in person but as soon as you turn your back, they start badmouthing you just because you chose to take a path they don't agree with, and mind you, that path doesn't hurt anyone, yet they go around talking a bunch of crap about you and giving you shit for it. I am so utterly sick and tired of these people. UGH. 

I was so frustrated earlier and talked to Agnes about it. I tried so hard to hold my tears in, my throat started to tense up and my heart was pounding like crazy making me feel like it was about to rip out of my chest. Dramatic, I know but it hurt so much knowing there are those kinds of people out there. These things doesn't only happen to me, my sister gets a lot of shit as well and this is hurting me the most. She's been through so much and she's been standing up for herself even though they keep pushing her down. For this reason, I admire her. Me, on the other hand, don't stand up for myself because I can't. I wish I could be as strong as her, but instead I handle everything in silence.

I can't help but suspecting every acquaintance I walk by, thinking there might be a chance of them being fake with us to later spread negative shit about us. When it comes to me, just choosing my own path to study art is a reason enough for them to shit talk me. For deciding to attend high school 2 years over again for this reason; they call me stupid. And honestly, that is one of the smallest reasons. Other things they've badmouthed me about is my blue hair, my piercings... basically the way I look. Just because I don't look ideal to them, they decide it's ok to treat me that way. Other things are a bit more personal but NONE of these things HAVE ANYTHING to do with them. These things do NOT affect them in ANY way, yet they decide to trash talk me. Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't they leave US alone? There are so many more young people who are going through this kind of treatment as well in this so called circle of "adult friends". And yes, there are parents talking shit about their own kids as well, parents telling their own kids they're ugly everyday because they don't have the same fashion sense as the parents etc etc. Why can't they mind their own business?

Now I know you might think "cut those people off", but trust me, it's not that easy because they involve themselves with our family members. It's not that easy to get rid of them and since it's my sister's wedding soon, some of those people are invited. I used to care so much about what other people thought of me because I didn't want the people close to me (not gonna be more specific about who) feeling ashamed of me, but now I don't care anymore because in the end, they're all in this trash-talking together anyway. And I guess it's come to that point because they want other people to know they actually didn't have anything to do with what I decided to do with my life? Idk. But it's ok cause it's understandable.

I'm sorry this was another rant.

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(Om du läser detta Roro, och du vill att jag ska ta bort din del av det hela så säg till :( Blev bara så jävla upprörd)

Such an eventful day. We fell twice XD

I went ice skating with my class today during P.E class and we played some sort of tag. As me and Agnes stood there and recovered from having gotten caught earlier, one of the taggers came at our direction and was about to catch us again. My intuition was to flee with Agnes, so I tried to skate away as the tagger approached us. The fear was so intense that everything went wrong and wobbly when we tried to get away. When the tagger reached for me with her arm, I fell on the ice so hard after attempting to avoid her, head and butt down, and so did Agnes because I kinda dragged her down with me LOL. She fell right on my knee with her body as she was thinking "OH SHIT NO" because she realized she'd be squashing my knee but couldn't do anything about it. Her body put pressure on my knee and I HEARD A CRACK as my whole leg went weak. I can't remember if the tagger fell with us but I think she did and got up again shortly after to try to help me up. When I was helped up I couldn't help but fall down again since my leg were numb and a bit unstable. It was scary but I'm ok. It was just so funny how Agnes tried so hard not to land on my knee but failed. Our teacher noticed our dramatic fall and came to ask us if we were okay and I said I was okay although my knee cracked, it was fortunate I didn't break it XD After P.E class, we cycled back to school. Agnes cycled with Teresa sitting behind her on the bike and I cycled carrying only myself and our bags and backpacks. We cycled beside each other, but obviously not too close. So when we came to this "crossover", with lack of communication, we clashed with each other because I thought we'd turn left while Agnes thought we'd continue straight and then turn left. Before it went dramatic, from Teresa's point of view, we looked stupid because she saw how we slowly got closer and closer. She freaked out in her head thinking "AREN'T THEY GETTING TOO CLOSE WTF" but couldn't say anything because everything went so fast (obviously we had a talk about how it went afterwards to admire our stupidity). When we made our turns, our bike handles kind of got stuck to each other since they were in such good positions to fit in with one another and get locked together (IF THAT MAKES SENSE). So once our bike handles got in contact, it was too late to get out of it. I remember how much we struggled to get loose but it just went worse and we both started losing our balance. I lost balance first and fell down dragging both Agnes and Teresa down as well since our bikes basically became one. All three of us fell, with me at the bottom. One of my hands got squashed because it took most of the fall in order to protect my body (out of reflex), Agnes' knee got scraped like a bish, and Teresa's leg got in between our bikes and got squashed as well. Apparently Teresa hurt her chin too (it went red-purplish) LOL dunno how that happened :( It obviously hurt but we laughed so hard at how silly we were to the point where one of our teachers (whom we came across) actually thought we were the happiest we could ever be, when in fact we were quite traumatized by the event :')) We couldn't stop laughing. We probably looked as if we were on cloud nine from outsiders' point of view. I've realized that whenever something horrible happens and you're with your friends, no matter how dramatic it gets, you always laugh afterwards. I don't know, maybe it's just me? Cause I've fallen by myself plenty of times before but I've never looked at it as a positive experience like I do on this one, if that makes sense. As weird as this sounds, I'm actually quite happy this happened since it was quite a fun experience. We had a few more injuries by the way, but I decided just to mention the most "severe" ones XD When I first had a look at my hand, it was quite scary because the whole thing looked inflamed. A bit further up on my hand there was signs of inner bleeding. The blood kind of bubbled up beneath the skin making it look as if a purple/blue caterpillar was stuck under my skin. After a while I showed Agnes my hand while Teresa went to the bathroom and said "look Agnes! It looks better now" and got no reply. SHE WENT QUIET AT FIRST AND THEN SHE WENT "UHHH... well.. someone's a bit positive" LOL. I needed to include a post about this because it's a moment I want to look back at. Aaaaah, I really miss making posts on here, I feel like I should do it more often ;-;

Getting some things off my chest.

I'm honestly not feeling too well so I just wanted to type some things to ease the pain.

I have so many things bottled up to the point where even the smallest disheartening things can make me break down into tears. The emotions I've been suppressing all this time are catching up and it makes me so frustrated. I feel so weak and fragile. I'm scared. I just want to hide from the whole world. It feels like I'm relying too much on other things making me happy than myself if that makes sense?

I wish I could head out on a trip in the nature to find myself, although it's not that easy because I live in an overprotective household. I'm not allowed to do anything on my own and I'm not even exaggerating. It's not easy to "just do what I want because I'm an adult" so that's easier said than done. I want to be more independent but there are way too many obstacles for me to be so. I'm 19, turning 20 in about 2 months but I still feel like a child. I feel trapped and I'm suffocating.

Detailed Update - Received help regarding my depression and transferred to another school

Hi again!
I'm not quite sure if there still are any readers left out there but I'm here to give you a little bit of a more detailed update about what has been going on etc. Brace yourself because this is going to be a long post since I'll basically be taking up after what I left in the "update on the meeting" post. I'll try to keep it short and simple as possible. But first.... I really can't believe my last posts about all the depressing stuff was in 2014. A lot of things has changed and I honestly still can't believe it.

I really don't know where to start because everything is such a huge mess in my head right now. It's kind of hard to organize the thoughts and tell the events in a chronological order.. but anyways.. so.. a week after having posted "update on the meeting" I actually got to meet the doctor again because I was feeling so depressed to the point where I really didn't know if I could trust myself anymore. I had so strong feelings about wanting to take action in making myself disappear, if that makes sense. The doctor got really worried about me and kind of forced me to get my mother to attend the meeting as well. It was such a hard time for both me and my mother because it came as a shock to her. She still couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't in a good state at all and she kept begging me to go home with her even though the doctor said we couldn't leave since she wanted me to get acute help for my suicidal thoughts. My mother and I got thrown into a situation where we had to go to another city for a more "professional" help because the doctor had sent them a referral. The doctor called a taxi and we cried so much on our way there. I remember the car ride being really uncomfortable because we were so confused as to where we were going and my mother wouldn't stop asking me about it either.

Once we got there, my mother called my dad and my sister and told them they had to come as well, so they did. Once we were there all 4 of us, we got called into a room with another doctor who had to check up with me and see if I was fine etc.. and as usual, it was a really sensitively uncomfortable moment. My mother managed to convince me to go back home even though the doctor said it would be better for me to stay since she didn't trust I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself. Once we got home, they bothered me with a bunch of questions again. I got called to talk to one of the doctors in our city once again and he established I'd be hospitalized and be put on medication. Long story short, I was hospitalized for a week and started taking medication. During the time I was hospitalized, I wasn't allowed to bring my phone with me, no charger, no nothing that could be used to hurt myself or anyone else with. The hygiene stuff was locked up even, and there were no mirrors in order to prevent stuff happening. I could only use my phone when I was out taking a walk with my parents, in which I had to do everyday because they said "it's good for you to go out on a walk", and I guess that's true. But going out on a walk with my parents was a torture because they would always be talking about stuff that I wasn't comfortable with (I prefer not to mention anything about that until I'm ready because it's a very sensitive topic for me). I kept my contact with the "Line guy", if you remember him (the one who attended the same class but whom I was chatting with online instead of talking to him irl because I'm socially awkward), and we talked about a bunch of stuff like how I was feeling and what was going on at school during the time I was away. Apparently, a girl in our group of friends wanted to visit me. It was really sweet of her but I wasn't really ready for any visits and we didn't know each other that well either. Line guy told me it was ok because he told her it might not have been a good idea, which I'm very thankful for.

Sorry I went a bit off track there, but during the time I was hospitalized, there was this person whom I would have to talk to from time to time to update her about my current mood etc. We talked about the situation at school, about how I was feeling lonely, about the picture I had of myself, about the things I wanted to do... about how I actually wanted to start attending the aesthetic program in the beginning but felt the need to please my parents and choose nature sciences instead... and we came to the conclusion that maybe it would've eased my situation if I could transfer to another school, start over and attend the aesthetic program instead. Now mind you, I had been studying for almost 2 years which made me really unsure if I really should start all over again and attend the aesthetic program, AND risk the outcome to be the same as it was during the time (having a hard time fitting in and making friends). On top of that, I had come so far as to getting to talk to Line guy and just to lose him like that made me so scared. I'd either lose him or stay and risk our friendship not going anywhere.. because we had such a hard time getting closer and talking to each other irl. I talked to him about this and he told me he was sad if I left but at the same time he didn't want to stop me from possibly being able to make friends at the new school. The choice was so hard to make, but at the end I chose to take the risk and transfer. I had to wait till the whole year was over though because it would be a better idea for me to start attending the aesthetic program if it was actually a fresh start and not just join them later (if that makes sense), cus if I joined them later, it would've been hard for me to be a part of the class once again.

After having been put on medication and gotten out of this "hospital", the doctor decided it would be better for me if I stayed home for the rest of the semester cus there were only a few weeks left of it and I wasn't feeling well enough to go back to school at all. When the next semester started, we decided I'd only be attending the English and maths classes because too many classes would drag me down. After a while, I couldn't get through the maths classes either even though the teacher was the sweetest and tried his best to help me and stuff... I felt (and I still feel) so bad about it because I never really told him I was going to transfer to an aesthetic program at another school. And since maths 3C isn't mandatory for the aesthetic program he could've just not helped me... he found out about it during one of our meetings where we talk about school subjects and stuff, and I could tell he was really surprised. He was like "oh.. really? I didn't know" and my heart sank because he was so determined to get me to pass :( but I was too much of a scaredy cat to tell him I wasn't going to stay for much longer... He still wanted to help me though but towards the end he said it would be better for my well being if we just dropped the maths 3C classes. So at this moment, I only attended the English classes. This was a huge disadvantage for me regarding the Line guy because the less I was at school, the less we got to interact with each other, and we just drifted further apart.

I honestly miss him. I remember when we would draw on paper, having challenges of saving and killing characters during Swedish classes. We'd just communicate through actions instead of talking. It was such a unique friendship tbh. I still had a bit of contact with him when I had transferred, but not as much as I used to... I did meet him over a week ago at a café and he pulled out his polaroid camera to take a selfie with me ;___;; He was so sweet.

Thank you so much if you've read this far <3 I'll update you on a bunch of other stuff when I have the time again ^^ and I also want to say that I've actually started uploading YouTube videos now but I don't know if I dare to share them on here ;__;; Let me know if you're curious about it >__< I'm gonna go to bed noww, goodnight ! annd, I'm also sorry if my grammar is messed up ;-; byebye ~

Personal Reply To One of My Readers + a mini update

MiNapi:
I've been trying to reply to your comment many times but to no avail. After months and months I'm back to try again because I really want you to know how much I appreciate your comments ;__;; I've been trying to reach you through different methods, not sure if you've noticed. I feel like such a creep but honestly, thank you so much. I hope this reply gets to you, because if it doesn't I'll be so sad about it... (I couldn't publish it as a reply to your 2 years old comment, and I still don't know why...)

Thank you so much for your comment on my latest published post. I get what you mean about having hatred towards facebook and such.. it's not exactly a pleasant place >< I really hope you're doing well, and I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I've been going through so much changes and I can't wait to update you, that is if you're still interested ;__;;

To all readers:
I'll start to try posting again whenever I find the time to. The small update I can give you right now is that I'm studying an aesthetic program at the moment and I'm actually enjoying it. The process hasn't exactly been easy but I'm happier now ^^