I'll just let the headline and the pictures explain what I have been doing...
*spammed the replay button*
and... Mom finally cut my hair!!!
~I'm extremly happy~
....and... we'll have an oral test tomorrow ;~;
and.. I won't be able to sleep since my sister is having a mental breakdown in the room next to me(stressed about homework and school...) I can't do anything to help since I know that feeling will never go away whatever I do. I know.. because I've experienced the same feeling several timees.
I got irritated and mad today..
I found out that Erin cut her wrists.. that she hated her life, and she wanted to die... so I felt really sad. I'm a bad friend. I didn't know what to do....or how to react.. so I just yelled at her, telling her she was selfish if she ever thought of committing suicide. What else could I do..? I feel so... useless.
and.. also.. my mom didn't cut my hair for me today. So I got a bit irritated. And besides, she even told me I had to go with them to Thailand this summer.. even though she promised me I wouldn't have to... (there are a lot of reasons why I don't want to go... like bad experiences etc...my mind is a mess at the moment so I can't explain it properly.)
There were so many bad news at once... I couldn't take it.. so I just lost control, took the scissors and cut my hair. I mean.. I was so mad, I was about to cry.. so I had to prevent the tears, somehow, and release my anger. At least I solved one problem...
Hahah.. took me three hours to get a hold of myself.
A few days ago.. I was kinda happy... I took these photos of color pencils, and I edited them.. that was the first time, in a long time, that I really felt like doing something but wasn't too lazy to do it.
"You shouldn't wait for people to make your life colorful.
You should paint it yourself :3 ~"
That was what I said. But... I'm not even following my own advice -_- Howwww, could you evvvver paint your gloomy black-and-white life without people in it?!? With only you in your life, it will never be colorful. Some people might think they're fine with being alone.. but the truth is; they're just afraid of getting hurt... of being deserted...
Or what I've learned from Tonari No Kaibutsu-Kun; they've probably never had anyone dear to them, which means they don't know about the feeling of losing someone and being left alone (no, just because it's an anime doesn't mean its message is childish and stupid.. because it's not).
.....In my case; I'm scared, and thus I don't want to let anyone in... I withdraw myself from them, using stupid excuses... They try to make my life colorful, I know that. But I never allow them to. And besides, I'm even restraining myself from painting it myself... I don't even know if that makes any sense... All I know is that.. all this unhappiness within me is created by my own self. I want to turn off these stupid feelings, all of it. And yes, to be honest, I do think I'll be fine on my own. Even though I know I won't be fine; I still think so.
I know about the fact that people get into our lives and then, someday, just leave without any notice... I know, because that's how we, humans, work. Promises like "I'll stay by your side forever" wouldn't even matter. They'll leave you when they feel like it. I do think I'm different, and yes we all do. We're so confident in ourselves that we'll stay. But the truth is; we're no different. We're all the same.
It's not like I'm throwing my advice in the trash... it's just that...
....I won't be following my own advice... I'm tired.. of everything.
so... I'm back in my Otaku-mode. Please, just get me away from this hurtful reality. I feel so lonely =/ I want a change in my life, yet, I'm too lazy and scared to fight for it. I hate myself for pitying myself like this -.-
I haven't... contacted my best friend for months..
I don't know what to do... psshh, no. I know what to do. I'm just a coward.
I'm sorry for following your steps anonymously
I'm sorry for walking right pass you,
even though you look at me so cheerlessely... Don't get me wrong,
I care about you with all of my heart As a friend of yours,
I'm sorry for not doing my part
I'm just afraid making things worse than they already are It's useless isn't it... sitting here,
passivly waiting, for a falling star..?
Without knowing it,
I've made things so much worse
I'm hopeless,
I just can't get away from this curse
I don't want to lose, yet, another friend
I want to be the one you can lay your back on,
and depend!!!
I thought the times with you were endless,
no matter how much of it I'd spend
Yeah, I'm the worst friend in history,
for not being there for you, from the beginning till the end.
This is the worst. The only thing I do is 'writing out' these miserable feelings and cry... Hahah... I even used animes to escape from these miserable feelings...
Ohaii~
I soo love my mood ring ;-; or... should I call it temperature ring? :9
Anyways... XD I've had it for a year and a half ^ ^
..and I shall nevvver lose it. It will be my memory of this awful class~ (I bought it when we were on a trip to a university to listen to ... stuff....) I consider this one special because my fav teacher were with me when I bought it >_< ..and now she's gone. She got pregnant and is now having a break for a year, but unfortunately she'll be back when we're gone.. when we've graduated from 9th grade.
Anyways, here's the mood chart ^ ^
*cough* I can't wait to be free from this school... Yesterday during our P.E lesson us girls had to be in the storage room because the majority(guys) wanted to play soccer in the P.E hall, and there wasn't any space for us -.- It's always like that. The minority loses all the tiiiiime. What can three girls do to 19 guys? Nothing. Except for just going along with it or hang out in the freakin' storage room.
At least this is how it always is whenever our P.E teacher is sick and we get a supply teacher......(yeah.. our P.E teacher was sick ;_;) The room was pretty narrow so... we didn't really have big spaces for 'rope jumping' or other things -_- There was only one open space.. and it's really dirty in there but whatever T^T At least it was better than playing soccer with the guys, since they always yell at us whenever we fail etc...
Anyways.
Todayy was okay ^ ^ We finished school earlier because the maths-and-physics-teacher was sick.
and.... now I'm just gonna chill >__<
Woah, it's been months since I've read a book. I miss those times =/
PS. The mood ring is green-bluish at the moment, hahah.
... because she wanted to talk about some stuff.....
.....................and I randomly just took photos of her XD
Anyways. I got one more photo, similar to the ones before >.<
annnd nowww....
back to what happened today:
Maths teacher was sick so we had a supply teacher. The lessons were so boring and slowwwww... ;_;
huuu, I'm so tired at the moment and therefore I have no strength left.
Good Night =l
