Black and white....

I don't understand myself...

A few days ago.. I was kinda happy... I took these photos of color pencils, and I edited them.. that was the first time, in a long time, that I really felt like doing something but wasn't too lazy to do it.

"You shouldn't wait for people to make your life colorful.

You should paint it yourself :3 ~"

That was what I said. But... I'm not even following my own advice -_-
Howwww, could you evvvver paint your gloomy black-and-white life without people in it?!? With only you in your life, it will never be colorful. Some people might think they're fine with being alone.. but the truth is; they're just afraid of getting hurt... of being deserted...

Or what I've learned from Tonari No Kaibutsu-Kun; they've probably never had anyone dear to them, which means they don't know about the feeling of losing someone and being left alone (no, just because it's an anime doesn't mean its message is childish and stupid.. because it's not).

.....In my case; I'm scared, and thus I don't want to let anyone in... I withdraw myself from them, using stupid excuses... They try to make my life colorful, I know that. But I never allow them to. And besides, I'm even restraining myself from painting it myself... I don't even know if that makes any sense... All I know is that.. all this unhappiness within me is created by my own self. I want to turn off these stupid feelings, all of it. And yes, to be honest, I do think I'll be fine on my own. Even though I know I won't be fine; I still think so. 

I know about the fact that people get into our lives and then, someday, just leave without any notice... I know, because that's how we, humans, work. Promises like "I'll stay by your side forever" wouldn't even matter. They'll leave you when they feel like it. I do think I'm different, and yes we all do. We're so confident in ourselves that we'll stay. But the truth is; we're no different. We're all the same.

It's not like I'm throwing my advice in the trash... it's just that... 

....I won't be following my own advice... I'm tired.. of everything.