Chaotic Animals

[The italic is about what had happened during these days/years in a "detaily summary". The "none-italic" is about what happened today.]

During my years in this class I've heard my classmates talk behind my back, and infront of me of course, about my grades, presentations, essays etc.
-About my grades they say "those teachers are unfair. Just because they like her they give her good grades. .About my presentations they say "omg... so boring.... can't she just talk less during her presentations? I'm getting sleepy".
-About my essays they say "Hahah, look at her. She's writing a Harry Potter book."

Yeah, so I got sick of it. Especially after this guy who was nice in front of me but then said something mean to me behind my back. but I ignored it, okay. I pretended I didn't know anything about them talking like that, and continued my work as if they weren't nearby. So it was okay, at that time. I don't know. I just started to think that I didn't deserve my grades etc. So.. the reason I'm always so slow at doing my homework is actually because I erase it and do it all over again all the time for it to be perfect.... so that's why it always seems as if I have a lot of homework when I actually have the avarage amount of homework (or how you say it). I was never happy with my work, and I wasn't happy with the result either, but it's not like I can sit there forever trying to make it perfect, right? xD I never thought the work I'd done was good enough. So.. when I got to know the grades I got for my work I was pretty shocked. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I mean, if I let those words get to me, or whatever, but I felt like I didn't deserve it although I was happy. So I talked to my best friend about it (which I shouldn't have). I told her that I was surprised, blablabla and that I probably didn't deserve it. So, she told me "You're so lucky that all the teachers love you." It was quite similar to those things the guys said about me, like being an eye servant etc. They always said "How could you get that grade?!?!? That's so unfair. She likes you, that's why. Omg *scream, scream, scream*" So I was hurt when my friend said that because I just thought it was enough with what those guys said. When she said it, I started to believe it was true so I was sad. 

Today, the English teacher was going to talk about my grade with me, so I walked to her in the corridor. I don't know if I looked sad but she knew I was sad .____. I didn't want to tell her, because if I did tell her, I would start to cry xD but then she said "Come on, tell me" although I said "no, no, no, no". So I asked her if it was true(and yes, I cried *sigh*), I mean, the fact that my grades wasn't fair etc. She told me it wasn't true. She said she did like me, but she also liked the others so it didn't matter if she liked us or not. I couldn't stop crying to I tried to cover my face. She had her arm around me .__. so obviously they'd know I was crying. There was a guy who didn't notice though. He came up to us and told me "tell me when you get an A" and walked away, and then the rest of the guys came out of the classroom and screamed "She's crying!!! She's crying!!! Omg, seriously?!?!? What the hell? It's so stupid to cry just because you're getting a B" etc, etc. I was thinking like "Who said I got a B? Don't go around assuming things as you please =____________________________________=". And then some of them went into the other classroom where my two friends were in and told them about it too. The English teacher then told me "You deserve all of those grades that you get. You should be proud of yourself. Don't let them get to you. They're just jealous of you." and showed me my grade. "See what you got?" and made a circle around the A with her pencil. "This is the A that you deserve. Just put this A on your forehead for everyone to see. Let them see what you're worth. Don't let their words get to you okay?" and then she told me I could go wipe my tears. So I went to the bathroom and locked the door, of course. It was so chaotic outside because none of the teachers were nearby. So... some of the guys were like.. knocking(beastly) on the door and tried to open the lock with the back of their keys. And then some of them said "omg, she's locking herself in the bathroom. that's so stupid" blablabla. And my friends stood outside of the door and knocked too, and told those guys to stop. But they never stopped. And.. I heard the "leader" scream all the time (what's his problem? x_x). Of course I didn't want to go out there if they're being like that .____. It was so scary. I told my friend behind the closed door to let me be alone for some minutes. I waited for them to calm down and then I went out. When I went out of the bathroom, all of them were suddenly quiet. I went to my friends (hopefully it didn't look like I'd cried)and when I stood there one of the guys came to me and asked me what had happened, and he also told me "I'm not like the rest of them. You can talk to me." But he got chased away by one of my friends. And then other guys started to laugh and babble the same shit all over again. They didn't even know the whole story, and like hell they don't deserve my explanation either. I really hate this class .___.

Anyways, so... when I stood there with my friends, my one friend told me that she was surprised when the guys screamed that I'd cried. She said she went to our regular classroom and then the guy who was sitting there asked her what had happened to me. She said I was crying and then he said "What? Really? Shit... what happened?". She told me he felt sorry for me .___. and that it looked like he was about to cry too so it almost also made her cry. (It's almost believable since he was the only guy who cried when our favorite teacher said goodbye to us because she was pregnant and had to take care of her newborn child. x) It was actually pretty cute. All the other guys made fun of him though -.-). Anyways... so she told me she suspected him for liking me in that way. I thought it wasn't possible though. I mean... it's probably just in a friendly way that he cared...

Another thing was that my friends also thought I cried because I got a B, which was quite funny :I they said "Don't cry. I get an F but I never cry." I told them that wasn't the case, but I didn't tell them the real reason behind it (I mean, it's pretty stupid). So my one friend just went to two of those guys and told them they'd misunderstood. But then they said "We know her better than you because we talk to her, more than you do, during class." so I'm like "what e__e".

So.... this day was awful... except for when I got the results of my maths-national-exam-grade. ^ ^ I used to always get a C in maths because I never talked during the times we had to... so it pretty much ruined my chances to get higher points for my grade. Those teachers always told me "you're going to get a B or an A!" etc, but never gave me any of them xD. So.. I got a bit sad since they never did like they told me they would. '-' soso.... these exams had all parts included. Oral, writing and problem solving. I got an A in all of them! I was so so so happy because I'd worked so hard to reach that goal for months and months! This was actually the first time in my life that I actually felt like I deserved it. This is the best thing that has happened in my life so far. I don't know if she's going to give me an A for the whole "maths subject", but this is good enough since it's about the national exams, which is like... a big deal! ^___^

~And also... I appreciate all of your comments and everything!! :) It makes me happy to know that there are people who actually reads my long posts and spends their time to write me a comment. Really, all of your comments help me to feel better ^-^ ♥

You obviously don't know me.

[I'm sorry(beforehand) for swearing in this post]

Okay. So... everyone's pretty much the same. Even my best friend sees me that way. I just... no. I can't put into words how fucking sad I felt when she said what she said today.

I get it alright. I'm quiet and I follow the rules like a fckng slave. I get it, alright? Teachers like me and blablabla. Shut up. I just don't know what's wrong with me... but I just always, always think I don't deserve the good grades that I get. I always feel as if I'm not good enough. Last term my French teacher gave me an A in French. I was shocked, and scared... so I told myself "I don't deserve this A. I suck at French, etc.". I don't know if that's my way of trying to get myself into the safe zone or not but... I'm scared I'll disappoint myself. I'm scared I'll disappoint my teachers. I'm scared that the A will lowen to a B,C,D,E or an F and that my self-esteem will get worse. So... I told her "I don't deserve this A...", yeah, it was bad of me because that's what started it all. So she started to think "Why did she give you an A then? Is it because she likes you? That's so unfair" etc, etc. I tried to explain to her that I was scared of the "A", but it didn't get through.

Today when we were sitting at a table in some kind of restaurant... she said to me "You're so lucky. All the teachers love you". So I got a bit hurt. I thought she understood. I mean... all those times I've helped her with her homework... All those times I've been busy with my homework.. All those times I hadn't have time for any kind of fun at all. I thought she understood. But she didn't.

I've been walking around hearing lots of stuff like "she's the teacher's favorite, she's so lucky" and it really pisses me off. I can't fucking control the teachers' minds. I'm just being the ME who's quiet and listens to others instead off babbling away lessons during classes. I'm sick and tired of hearing that shit behind my back every fucking day.

"Yeah, hurry up to your lesson and lick the teachers' asses"

"You're such an eye servant"

"omg, you haven't done anything to deserve those grades"

"All the teachers like you. Of course you'll get those grades."

They obviously don't know me if they talk like that. As if that's not enough...now my best friend thinks that way too. What hurts me is the fact that she knows how much I suffer because of school, homework and the stress, but despite that... she still thinks that way about me. It came as a shock for me. She showed me some signs of her way of thinking way before but I never really took it to heart. But today, she said it out loud. I thought she knew me, but oh boy was I wrong. I've even helped her with her homework and all of that. But I guess it doesn't matter, hm? no, it doesn't.... because it's partly my fault for not hanging out with her that much anymore, and my fault for having this awful self-esteem.

By saying me what she did.... is that the same way of telling me "you're not good enough to get an A", the same thing I tell myself almost everyday? Does this mean she doesn't believe I deserve it?

This whole thing made me think that... no one will really understand me, even I won't understand myself. And it's just a matter of time before I start to think like all of them, completely. I'm a coward, am I not...? It was only just now that I realized it; I'm a coward for not being able to believe in myself because of the fear of becoming too egoistic.

[I'm sorry if I wasn't grammatically correct in some parts but I'm too tired to read through it again...]

The Bystander

She sees, she watches

She hears, she listens
She observes her surroundings
She puts it to her memories
All of it
She remembers you, you and you,
including you
She remembers your faces
She remembers your names just from hearing them once
She knows who you are
But...
You don't know her name
You don't remember her face
You don't remember her,
because you don't know who she is
She's just a bystander
You don't know she exists

If she sees you on the streets she'll immediately recognize you
She'll be happy just from being able to spot you in the crowd.
Your familiar face makes her feel like she's not alone,
because her imagination says she's familiar to you too.

In this person's mind, there's more than you can imagine
Within those memories of hers, there's more than you know
In that heart of hers, there's more pain, complaints, dissatisfies & regrets than you can ever imagine.
She just keeps quiet about it.
She doesn't show it, she just feels it.
It's a pain, but whan can she do?
No one notices what's in the shadows.
No one cares.
She's just the quiet & uninteresting person,
the person who's by herself,
the person who's watching the play,
the bystander.

Anime Convention gone kduofhdj

Hello.
There's an Anime Convention ongoing right now. It began yesterday(Friday). Me and my friend were going there to buy the ticket to be able to get in. They actually started to line up in front of the school, that the convention would be at, already at 4 or 5pm. And they were going to open up the doors at 7pm. Me and my friend arrived there at 7.30. But they hadn't opened up the doors yet so the line was soooo long. We had to wait for like an hour before they informed us that they had some problems with stuff so they couldn't open up yet. So.... we waited there in that line.... a lot of people came cosplaying so it was fun, in the beginning... As minutes and minutes passed by... it was getting colder and colder... We had to wait in the line for 3-4 hours! What's worse; in the cold. They didn't open up until 22.00, and when they had opened only two people got in once at a time. So.... it took 45 minutes till we reached the steps to the front door. My feet hurt and my back hurt, and I was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing. I actually wanted to go home but my friend just didn't want to. She said "We've been waiting here for 2hours, so I'm not going home until I get that damn ticket!". So I'm like... okay.... ;_; That day was the only day they were selling those "whole-weekend-ticket" so that you could join the convention on Friday, Saturday and Sunday... so.. she just had to get that ticket...

Look, we had to stand there until the sun went down.... It was windy also.........
Anyways.. =  =

Ignore my "arm hair" =_=

When we finally got our "bracelet ticket"(the green&pink one) we just went home. I mean.. I was soooooooooo tired... my legs felt like jelly. and my "back-hurting" made me feel like an old woman... So when I came home I just had to sleep right after I'd eaten, since I hadn't eaten anything at all before I went there...........

Sosososoooooooo. When I woke up today I had a headache.. I woke up by the vibration of my phone ringing beside my pillow. My friend was calling me to ask when we were going to the convention again. So.. I had to get up (even though I wanted to sleep 385099723hours more) and get dressed before she came and pressed the door bell... so, I took the medicine before we left but... oh dear, the medicine only helped against the headache I had.... but not against the "stomach ache". I went around for 5hours with my stomach aching to the fullest without any complaint until around 3pm (we arrived there at 10pm). I tried so hard not to make those faces that showed my pain so my friend was not aware of it.. but once I told her my stomach hurt she just... didn't listen.... Anyways.... I bought some stuff at the convention.

A "Sasuke-bookmark", a "potion-necklace" and an iPhone case. The iPhone case is for my other friend who didn't come with us to the convention. ^ ^' I hope she'll like it :I

To be honest, I didn't really have a good time considering the horrible state I was in. We didn't really do anything special... we only went around, looking at stuff they were selling, went to the drawing room, oh! I found some nice drawings there by the way :3

!and we also went to the karaoke room... and then we went home because I was at my limit, so I called my dad to get me home. I just had to stay there because my friend's parents said she wasn't allowed to be at the convention if I wasn't.... so if I went home, she also had to go home.... that's why I had to stay there with her. I just didn't want to ruin her fun... which I did in the end...

The Activity day + books!

Today was the "activity day" at school. Like I said yesterday, we played football ;_;
I barely did anything... I did try though! I kicked the ball from their feet several times. *-*
*not proud*
Anyways...
My team won xD We won this tiny little chocolate thingy.

*picks it up to show you how tiny it really was*

Last year my team won also '-' We won pineapples and a bigger version of that chocolate we won today. I feel blessed to always be with the winning team. No, just kidding, not really.... I don't feel like I deserve those prizes because I suck at all the sports! >< (except badminton <3)

I'm happy today even though I played the sport I hate the most(football ><) since my books arrived! :D

Soso happy *Q*

And alsooo, my younger brother bought me this ><

Hahah ^-^

Anyways... The Mediator Series and the 1-800-WHERE-R-YOU Series written by Meg Cabot are seriously the best books I've ever read! I have all of them now !!! :D:D You should seriously check them out! Especially if you like those supernatural stuff and romance of course ;3 The romance is the best in The Mediator Series !

Also, there's this book called "Between The Lines" written by Jodi Picoult and Samantha Van Leer. I haven't read it, but it seems good too!

Plot

Delilah is a bit of a loner who prefers spending her time in the school library with her head in a book—one book in particular. Between the Lines may be a fairy tale, but it feels real. Prince Oliver is brave, adventurous, and loving. He really speaks to Delilah.

     And then one day Oliver actually speaks to her. Turns out, Oliver is more than a one-dimensional storybook prince. He’s a restless teen who feels trapped by his literary existence and hates that his entire life is predetermined. He’s sure there’s more for him out there in the real world, and Delilah might just be his key to freedom.

     Delilah and Oliver work together to attempt to get Oliver out of his book, a challenging task that forces them to examine their perceptions of fate, the world, and their places in it. And as their attraction to each other grows along the way, a romance blossoms that is anything but a fairy tale.
Source: goodreads

I'm definitely going to buy that book someday! ♥

Bleh, I have French exams tomorrow ><
Goodnight! ^^

Pinkyyyyyy + Me? Role Model?

The pink flowers' leaves are falllinngggg ;_____;
but they're still as beautiful & pretty as ever, on the ground <3
Before:

After:

They were like... all over the ground!!!! *Q*
(and... these were the ones taken from my phone ↓)

There can never be too many pictures :'3

And this is at school ↓ (you can't really see the "pinkies" so clear xD)

.............................................................................................................
Anyways... so...
Today wasn't anything special...
Except for that during English class we watched a movie called "The Full Monty". A movie about male strippers...... mostly.... e___e The teacher chose that movie because she thought it was fun to watch o.o I didn't think it was that funny to watch though... since I spent most of the time covering my eyes with my hands to prevent myself from seeing naked male butts. ;______; awmg.

During the French today, my "French-classmate-from-8th-grade" said I was her role model ;A; She said she looked up to me because she thought I had good grades on everything, and was good at everything!!!!!!! so I was thinking like "O__O; NO! DON'T LOOK UP TO ME. THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME!" ;____________; hwah. And she forcefully hugged me too and said "I'm going to miss you when you graduate 9th grade D: We're going to be separated......." .______. And then she spent most of the lesson talking to me about high school and which program I'd chosen. She also said she was jealous of my eyes ._______________________. She likes asian eyes, that's what she said o.o

Tomorrow will be an "activity day" in which everyone from 6th grade to 9th grade will be playing football until lunch....... yay, it will be so much fun! -___- I'm going to die mentally....

The Ending Is Near

Helloes.

I picked this giant weird shaped three clover on my way home today x3
I just thought it was time to get those "summer pictures". Oh yeah.
Anyways..
The ending of 9th grade is near
Can't wait ! ><
Soon, I'll be able to start anew at my new school ^ ^ I mean.... nobody will know each other so isn't it time to be yourself without being afraid of what others think? :3 Ugh, I hope high school won't be as horrible as everyone seem to think. ;-; I'm a bit scared. I finally came to a decision of which program in high school I would be attending. I chose technology. The program where the majority is guys. =  = I just chose the program I was most interested in... but now I'm regretting it a little. I mean, I don't want to experience this all over again(the thing about a class with mostly guys & the violance + bullying because they look down on girls). I just don't want to.... but at the same time I feel the "just do what you enjoy, nothing else matters".

Wish me luck.

I'm attending there in about three months..........................................