I'll just let the headline and the pictures explain what I have been doing...
*spammed the replay button*
and... Mom finally cut my hair!!!
~I'm extremly happy~
....and... we'll have an oral test tomorrow ;~;
and.. I won't be able to sleep since my sister is having a mental breakdown in the room next to me(stressed about homework and school...) I can't do anything to help since I know that feeling will never go away whatever I do. I know.. because I've experienced the same feeling several timees.
I got irritated and mad today..
I found out that Erin cut her wrists.. that she hated her life, and she wanted to die... so I felt really sad. I'm a bad friend. I didn't know what to do....or how to react.. so I just yelled at her, telling her she was selfish if she ever thought of committing suicide. What else could I do..? I feel so... useless.
and.. also.. my mom didn't cut my hair for me today. So I got a bit irritated. And besides, she even told me I had to go with them to Thailand this summer.. even though she promised me I wouldn't have to... (there are a lot of reasons why I don't want to go... like bad experiences etc...my mind is a mess at the moment so I can't explain it properly.)
There were so many bad news at once... I couldn't take it.. so I just lost control, took the scissors and cut my hair. I mean.. I was so mad, I was about to cry.. so I had to prevent the tears, somehow, and release my anger. At least I solved one problem...
Hahah.. took me three hours to get a hold of myself.
A few days ago.. I was kinda happy... I took these photos of color pencils, and I edited them.. that was the first time, in a long time, that I really felt like doing something but wasn't too lazy to do it.
"You shouldn't wait for people to make your life colorful.
You should paint it yourself :3 ~"
That was what I said. But... I'm not even following my own advice -_- Howwww, could you evvvver paint your gloomy black-and-white life without people in it?!? With only you in your life, it will never be colorful. Some people might think they're fine with being alone.. but the truth is; they're just afraid of getting hurt... of being deserted...
Or what I've learned from Tonari No Kaibutsu-Kun; they've probably never had anyone dear to them, which means they don't know about the feeling of losing someone and being left alone (no, just because it's an anime doesn't mean its message is childish and stupid.. because it's not).
.....In my case; I'm scared, and thus I don't want to let anyone in... I withdraw myself from them, using stupid excuses... They try to make my life colorful, I know that. But I never allow them to. And besides, I'm even restraining myself from painting it myself... I don't even know if that makes any sense... All I know is that.. all this unhappiness within me is created by my own self. I want to turn off these stupid feelings, all of it. And yes, to be honest, I do think I'll be fine on my own. Even though I know I won't be fine; I still think so.
I know about the fact that people get into our lives and then, someday, just leave without any notice... I know, because that's how we, humans, work. Promises like "I'll stay by your side forever" wouldn't even matter. They'll leave you when they feel like it. I do think I'm different, and yes we all do. We're so confident in ourselves that we'll stay. But the truth is; we're no different. We're all the same.
It's not like I'm throwing my advice in the trash... it's just that...
....I won't be following my own advice... I'm tired.. of everything.
so... I'm back in my Otaku-mode. Please, just get me away from this hurtful reality. I feel so lonely =/ I want a change in my life, yet, I'm too lazy and scared to fight for it. I hate myself for pitying myself like this -.-
I haven't... contacted my best friend for months..
I don't know what to do... psshh, no. I know what to do. I'm just a coward.
I'm sorry for following your steps anonymously
I'm sorry for walking right pass you,
even though you look at me so cheerlessely... Don't get me wrong,
I care about you with all of my heart As a friend of yours,
I'm sorry for not doing my part
I'm just afraid making things worse than they already are It's useless isn't it... sitting here,
passivly waiting, for a falling star..?
Without knowing it,
I've made things so much worse
I'm hopeless,
I just can't get away from this curse
I don't want to lose, yet, another friend
I want to be the one you can lay your back on,
and depend!!!
I thought the times with you were endless,
no matter how much of it I'd spend
Yeah, I'm the worst friend in history,
for not being there for you, from the beginning till the end.
This is the worst. The only thing I do is 'writing out' these miserable feelings and cry... Hahah... I even used animes to escape from these miserable feelings...
Ohaii~
I soo love my mood ring ;-; or... should I call it temperature ring? :9
Anyways... XD I've had it for a year and a half ^ ^
..and I shall nevvver lose it. It will be my memory of this awful class~ (I bought it when we were on a trip to a university to listen to ... stuff....) I consider this one special because my fav teacher were with me when I bought it >_< ..and now she's gone. She got pregnant and is now having a break for a year, but unfortunately she'll be back when we're gone.. when we've graduated from 9th grade.
Anyways, here's the mood chart ^ ^
*cough* I can't wait to be free from this school... Yesterday during our P.E lesson us girls had to be in the storage room because the majority(guys) wanted to play soccer in the P.E hall, and there wasn't any space for us -.- It's always like that. The minority loses all the tiiiiime. What can three girls do to 19 guys? Nothing. Except for just going along with it or hang out in the freakin' storage room.
At least this is how it always is whenever our P.E teacher is sick and we get a supply teacher......(yeah.. our P.E teacher was sick ;_;) The room was pretty narrow so... we didn't really have big spaces for 'rope jumping' or other things -_- There was only one open space.. and it's really dirty in there but whatever T^T At least it was better than playing soccer with the guys, since they always yell at us whenever we fail etc...
Anyways.
Todayy was okay ^ ^ We finished school earlier because the maths-and-physics-teacher was sick.
and.... now I'm just gonna chill >__<
Woah, it's been months since I've read a book. I miss those times =/
PS. The mood ring is green-bluish at the moment, hahah.
... because she wanted to talk about some stuff.....
.....................and I randomly just took photos of her XD
Anyways. I got one more photo, similar to the ones before >.<
annnd nowww....
back to what happened today:
Maths teacher was sick so we had a supply teacher. The lessons were so boring and slowwwww... ;_;
huuu, I'm so tired at the moment and therefore I have no strength left.
Good Night =l
PFFt-HAHAHAHAH XD My younger brother is just too cute HAHAH. ~I went out of my room to get a glass of milk, and on my way back ---> I saw him come out of my room with one of my old socks(don't ask me why...) in his hands and being very fishy. So I asked him "What did you do in my room...? e_e" and he's like "Nothing.. I just wanted to help you clean up your old socks.." *shows it to me*
I still didn't believe him so I told him "No. Be honest... You did something else in my room didn't you? e_e" and he replies with "No... I just wanted to scare you... but it took too long for you to get back so I gave up... >.<" PffttHAHAHAH, I just brust out laughing!!! X'3
Ohaii~ I've just wasted my time taking photos... I don't know what has gone into me.... D=
I have a lot of homework to do... but I wasted all of my time on somthing else TT^TT Anyways... they weren't any different from each other too .... but whatever 0.0 I just wanted to take the perfect photo!!! but my mind couldn't make up itsmind <_> *confused* and.. yes, I edited them all. Because.. I like them better that way. The originals will be kept with mee >:3
Uhmm, I wrote "Make life colourful".. but the result was so baaad so I threw it in the trash ;~; ...
Anyways... I made a collage too~
Yes, I like this one the best X3
I gotta do my homework now............................................................................... *sob, sob*
Ohaii~ Today... my parents left the house to buy a new pair of glasses for my mother. And, well... I asked them if they could buy some white napkins too, because I had to fix the table for an assignment in home economics. They came home... and I saw they bought the napkins, but they weren't white. They were purple. And that wasn't the only thing they bought. They also bought two kinds of flowers, and a grey table cloth. Hahah >.<
So much for home economics... <_> To overdo it wasn't my plan from the beginning... and... for my mother to take over wasn't my plan from the beginning either... *cough* She thought it was fun and did everything... ._. and.. I just stood there taking massive of photos. But... it's alright! As long as the teachers don't know.. ;3
I liike the white flowers >.< I don't like the purple ones ;~; (but they're fiine :'))
Ahemm.. I thought it was fine without any table cloth... but she insisted. and.. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so...
Wah, I'm not good at taking photos with that camera ;_; But anyways... the result was pretty good >.<
So... now it's time to prepare for my presentation....
"I chose that color on the napkins because...." "I chose that table cloth because..." "I chose those plates because..." "I chose those flowers because..." "I CHOSE TO PUT FLOWERS BECAUSE..." Bye... >_~
My brain was a total mess yesterday. All of my thoughts were unorganized. It took me 8 hours to get started with my homework... It probably was because I didn't eat anything... T^T
Uhmm, well. It's a shiny day today, and hopefully I will succeed finishing every homework I've got left~
Progressed slowly throughout this day.... ;~;
At least.. the worst is over... but still... english is also "ugh" ;__;
But well.. what can I do... I brung this upon myself. Now I'll have to postpone home economics and english for tomorrow =l
Before I go to sleep... I shall listen to this >.<
I... felt so depressed and anxious yesterday.. I feel a slightly bit better today though. At least that's what I'd like to think... Hah... I really can't handle all this stress. I wish I could take it easy..
.................................................ugh..........................
I know these bad feelings are caused be me, myself, but I just can't help it..
I have a lot to do this weekend.. History, physics, english and home economics.
But oh well. I already cried my heart out yesterday, so I should be fine...
Today was a wonderful day. I don't know why. We've just had an oral test which we did through 'talking in groups consisting five people'(sorry I didn't know how to explain that > <) It didn't really go well, but I still enjoyed it. =/ It's not wrong is it? At first I was soo nervous I thought I wouldn't survive. I mean, I hate talking. But uhmm... I think it's because of him. A guy, obviously, who was in the same group as me. I was happy to have talked to him. I think I've kinda started to like him. This isn't good, ahah. But, it's only 'liking' so it's not really a big deal 0.0 I don't want this feeling to develop any further though because it's scary. I enjoyed our talk within the group. I had fun. I've never had fun talking in groups before >.< This is the first time. I'm really really so happy.... When we were talking, I felt as if my gaze drifted to him whenever I lost my concentration. @_@ and... he smiled each time ;~; so I smiled too. And then looked away quickly...
hwaaah~ His smile's so cute ;//;
Pshh, and Erin never wants to shut up about him... She's always saying:
"I'm going to keep you away from him" "Don't look at him" "That idiot likes you" "I'm going to kill him if he comes near you" "He's not allowed to be near you!" "Uh oh, he's coming, don't fucking look!!"
Uhmmuhmm... <_> There's nothing wrong with him... He's not like the rest, that's why I like him. He's no idiot.. He's nice. He's not mean, he's just joking. He laughs all the time even though the other guys make fun of him... and he's fun to talk to 3= Erin hates him because she thinks he's the same as the other mean guys in our class. He hasn't done anything to her though.. She just tends to hate everyone who looks at her because she thinks they're 'bitch-staring' her. Yes, 'bitch-staring' that's what she calls it. 0.0
Anyways. This is the view from here right now >.<
Yees, it's started to snow again ^ ^
